Monday, September 27, 2004

Why do I waste time seeking approval? Why do I so easily get angry with myself? Simple actions that I do sometimes go against the goal I am looking towards. I seek to improve myself a little and try to developed a habit that works in that direction. My latest attempt is to gain some independence from others. I always need someone to come along as if they are confirming wherever I am going is a good choice. Things like not wanting to go to a movie alone or going out to dinner alone. I have grown used to the herd mentality that it has become ingrained in my psyche. I have been trying to change that of late. Little things like doing to dinner alone. Going out to movies and random other events without other people. Little things like that. So this weekend when the test came up I did not put it in practice. I choose to stay and simply got angry with myself. It was easy to tell and I imagine I gave the wrong impression to others. Perhaps they thought I was angry at someone else but mostly it was just me. As usual I take out my anger on myself and on my car. Any other physical objects in the area sometimes I will do. I don’t seek to break just things like pressing too hard on the gas so my tires squeal. Tapping a brick wall with my fist. Little things like that which do not really damage the object. However it gives me a small amount of pain as punishment. I question if that is where I want to go with my attempts at becoming a better person but am not sure. It doesn’t really work but it does remind me a little of the error I did. The wrong path that I have chosen. So either way I got mad at myself and people thought I was angry at something else. Sometimes I believe I am so transparent people see what I am hiding. Other times they think they are seeing through my deception but do not realize that at times the Lie’s are full of truth just presented differently. What is self truth? It is what I tell myself and work towards? Is it the questions that I answer and I know to be true? But the truth changes over time. If I say the sky is clear the statement does not hold for very long. If I say I am doing fine things change. People change. Is the truth or ones self-truth just the level of delusion that have convinced themselves to be true? How deep can I look into my own soul and how many lies will I find? Will some of the lies that were complete falsehoods be based off some truth now? Could I change so much that the lie would become the truth? Circular logic emerges and suddenly I see the spiral, the circles, and the various loops that intertwine each other. I know at this time that the truth is I do not wish to be part of the herd mentality. I wish to be my own person. I wish to achieve a point where I do not seek approval for my place of dining from others. I wish to go somewhere and do it because I wish to. I wish to establish enough self confidence so I may say Hey I am going to do this if you do not wish to then sorry see you when I am done. Though I could just lie to myself and keep up a delusion until it becomes true. Create my own reality to exist in and stay in it until reality catches up to my fantasy. How much of what I have just written to be true?

To quote, ‘Supposing truth to be a woman - What? Is the suspicion no well founded that philosophers, when they have been dogmatists, have little understanding of women.’

I understand truth about as much as I understand women. Both change over time also so the longer I spend studying and trying to decide the more I will be wrong when I finally reach a conclusion.

Such is my logic.

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