Wednesday, September 22, 2004

One of the things that I have to come to terms with soon will be my reliance on other people. When I was younger I assumed the simple fact that there was someone out there in the world for me. Someone who I could share my life with and spend time with. Both a friend and an opponent who would engage both my mind and senses. Someone who I could trust with my inner thoughts and they would also confide in me. Someone who would call and say hello for no other reason than the simple fact my name passed through their mind. One who would also not get upset if I called them because my chain of logic came across their name also. I always thought I would find that person or they would find me and things would be different. Someone to save me from a path of darkness or something really outrageous like that. Instead the years pass by with bitter disappointments that occur too often with an alarming frequency. I rushed headlong into my search for a partner and I have found many that were not even close. Many that were better than nothing but in the end left me wishing I still had nothing instead of bitter memories. Close calls with others and possibilities that never materialized. Plans that were made and trips taken and in the end a heart broken over and over again. A few years ago I decided that I needed time to recover and forced myself into a holding pattern. No longer was I going to take outrageous trips and bend over backwards for someone I barely knew. The defense were reinforced and added onto. Hiding inside a tower and surrounded by walls that were so high. I have been in this holding pattern for so long I ponder if I will ever get out of it. I look at my actions and try to change them but it comes back down to my habits I developed when I was younger. Since I thought there was someone out there for me it grew into a habit to always go somewhere with someone. To call someone up and ask if they were up to anything. To not take the initiative and follow along with the crowd. Simple things like going to the movies were difficult if I did not have someone to go with. I see my flaw with that and have been trying to change and yet it is still quite difficult. I find myself wanting to call someone else, anyone else hoping to find someone else to come along with me so I do not go alone. I attempt to complete a circle the antisocial person I knew when I was younger that grew into someone who needed people. Now I am seeking to break away from that. Hoping to achieve a balance in it. I don’t know if I will ever achieve a balance though the thought of things going in waves. Having one year of being completely antisocial and a few transition years then a year of relying on others and then repeating the cycle does not sound all that bad. Life could be described in waves. I am on the falling edge of a wave and soon it will pick up and carry me to the crest of another. During this wave I intend to set a course and start heading in that direction. To find a major goal and work to achieve it. First things first I will start with smaller goals and work my way towards the larger reward. In writing this I have achieved a smaller goal. In telling others I have started working on another small goal. In keeping it somewhat hidden by the knowledge that few people will read this it will achieve yet another task.

In all this I must not lose sight of the prize.



Now if only I can figure out what it is.

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