Wednesday, September 08, 2004

If you don’t like something change it. I have tried to make that my motto for the past few weeks. Letting it apply into my life as many ways as possible. I did not like how the kitchen in my house looked so decided if I did not like I would change. So I started randomly cleaning in the kitchen. Then I carried it a bit further and started a bit in my bathroom. I tried letting it apply to other parts of my life. I did not like being so far behind in bills so sold parts of my main computer to my little brother to gain a bit more cash. Little did I know when I went to visit he did not have the money available. How can one person burn through 1100$ in a week. I actually could understand that as I have seen my bank account dwindle from a nice amount into the negatives with ease. Perhaps that should be my tag line. I am a superhero of spending.. Faster than a group of rich ladies. More powerful than a all day sale at Mervins. Able to bankrupt middle class families in a single shopping trip. Its Debt Man. Little things I change like I did not like where the trash container was placed outside. I did not wish it to get stolen so I moved it into the backyard. One of my roommates did not agree with that so I did it and didn’t say anything more of it. So far no complaints because he never takes out the trash. I hid some dishes in the kitchen because cleaning them would be a pain also had someone remove the knives that were not dishwasher safe because I did not feel like washing them separate and we have enough knives. I did not wish to spend money on a lawnmower so I made arrangements with a friend to mow his lawn and to borrow the mower. It allows me to do something productive also I am hoping it will grow into a habit of taking the initiative. I remember when I was younger I used to think I could modify my personality and habits with ease. I never really had to do any major modifications. One of the main things I did or I thought I did was make myself more social and remove the antisocial part. Somehow I do not think that was mostly my doing. It was a number of factors and a few friends that got me hooked on the going out and hanging out somewhere. Perhaps with time I will be able to comfortably go to the movies by myself. I am trying to change myself because I do not like who I am. I am trying to change for myself but to what purpose? I keep pondering if I am doing this for someone else. To improve how I am viewed in that person’s eyes so they will find me more likable. I can conjure in my mind several people that I could see myself doing this for but I keep denying it is that. What is life without self delusion? A old movie asked that. Who is afraid of Virginia Wolff? Also a movie said that self improvement is masturbation but self destruction was key. So many questions and so few answers. Some answers I do not like so I think I will try to change them.


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