Wednesday, July 28, 2004

There are permanent marks of hatred on my skin.  Absentmindedly I trace some of them with my fingers.  Some of them hold a memory.  Tonight I caught myself rubbing one and I remembered. 

Joel came home that night from work.  Out in front of the house there was a familiar car.  A little red dodge neon.  What is it doing here?  He put his car into park and started walking towards the door.  As he got nearer he saw the door was open and could hear laugher inside.  Slowly he opened the door as if waiting for a big surprise to appear.  None came as he entered the house slowly.  Off in the dining room there was Sara and James talking.  He had not seen Sara for a week.  It was almost three weeks since they ceased any extra friendship activities.  Why was she here was the question.
'What's going on guys?' Joel asked.'Nothing much James was telling me about a customer he dealt with at work.' Sara looked at him as she replied.  Joel kept searching her eyes to find out what was going on but found no answer.  She quickly turned her head back to James to hear the rest of his tale. 
Joel not wishing to interfere with anything started towards his room with a curt, 'I'll be in my room.'He entered his room and closed the door behind him.  Sat down at his desk and started up his computer.  Slipping on a pair of headphones he loaded up a music program and started catching up on the day's news.  While he read the news the occasional memory overwhelmed him and he remembered why Sara and he ceased.  He told her that he was growing attached and wished to be more than friends are.  She said she cared for him but wanted to remain friends.  She stopped calling and being around when he was going to a club.  He just let it drop and figured she would contact him when she was ready.  Now she was here at his house talking to his roommate like they were old friends.  Did she not remember when he told her what an asshole his roommate was?  Many nights when he left the house angry with his roommate she was on the receiving end of the conversation.  When he was finished reading the news and such he noticed an open window on the spare computer next to him.  Mostly he kept it running as a server and for testing network protocols but it appears his roommate forgot to shut down the extra window.  He leaned over and grabbed the mouse.  Clicked on the icon to close it and noticed it was the email program.  He went to close it and saw several emails between Sara and James.  Fighting an evil thought he went and closed it.  Suddenly the pieces fell together.  They talked over email and decided to do dinner together.  Oh well as long as he stayed in his room he would not have to deal with them at all.  If they needed him they knew where he was and if they wished for him to be included they can come get me.  The thoughts of making excuses to do nothing but sit and play a game or two easily outnumbered the thoughts of confronting them.  There will always be tomorrow. 
After a few hours of passing by the time he powered off his computer and started heading to his bed.  Once the computer's fans were off he lay there in total silence for a bit.  Closing his eyes he started to drift off into sleep.  Suddenly a small moan pieced the air.  Then a grunt.  Another moan and it established a pattern that filled the air and was more noticeable without any other sounds to interfere.  Joel sat there listening to their lovemaking for a minute and then got up.  Quickly putting on a shirt and some pants he headed out to the living room.  Once he got out of his room the sounds of the two were louder and he saw they had left the door open.  Closing his eyes and breathing deeply he continued forward to the door.  Quickly putting on his shoes he silently left the house. 
In the room with Sara and James they paused for a moment in their passion as they heard squealing of tires as rubber was burnt off into permanent marks of hatred on the street.

Monday, July 26, 2004

I miss online access.  So in preparation of moving we dropped online and cable TV.  Online was my main source of entertainment and communication.  I would chat with people from around the world each night like I have been doing for in some cases 5 years and in other cases 6 or 7.  These people it has become a ritual to login and say hello.  Now that ritual is slightly interrupted.  I remember late nights discussing food to a card game and things to drive your roommates crazy.  Even the occasional voice and or video chat.  So many things to bring people close and make the world seem like it is not that big of a place.  These people were a part of my life.  Sometimes I could go a week and say more words to someone in Australia than I would to my mom.  It would go in waves where I would not chat with someone for a month and then the next week we would catch up.  Lacking online access in the privacy of my own home and not being able to login late at night when the rest of them did makes me feel even more alone.  Suddenly I am without.  I have lost so much more than just a mode of entertainment.  I have been cut off of my friends.  I can still send emails from work to them but it is like writing a letter and mailing it.  It just does not compare to instant messaging at your fingertips.  I miss my friends.
Passionate words at midnight.  Getting soaked in the rain while strange sounds emerge.  We speak in tongues that no one around except us can apparently understand.  The moment of realization the connection felt so afraid of losing this moment.  Nothing else matters while we struggle to keep this hanging in the balance.  The realization that we are not alone in life the possibility staggering while we realize there is something there connecting us.  Drops of rain soaking into our cloths while we get closer.  The occasional twinkle in the raindrop as a car passes by we ignore while staring deep into each other's eyes.  So close and so strong the connection.  Our heads moving closer together as sparks leap from the ends of our hair to each other trying to draw us closer.  Words hurried as we both see this coming and want to speak before our breath is taken away.  Our lips touch and the moment is lost.  We stand there staring at each other pondering what happened, realizing that something wonderful has been lost but not sure how to regain it.  'So um dinner was nice. I will see you around I guess.' 'Yeah thanks.  See you around.'  We both hurry back to our respective cars and drive off having woken up from the brief dream we both shared.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

For a D&D game I created this NPC by the name of Shamus. In doing so with the stats I came up with a short background for him. I keep pondering adding to it or changing it a bit. I figure I will post the orginal here then when I do modify it will post that also. Otherwise enjoy.

Born a farmer Shamus worked most of his young life. Then one day while plowing a field a group of people carrying weapons and dressed in armor hailed him. As he got closer this young 16 year old boy stared in awe at these people. One of them approached him with a huge sword on his back. This man asked him where he could find the inn. Shamus pointed out the direction of the town and they set off. The man gave him a gold coin. Shamus never spent that coin. He ended up drilling a hole in it and wearing it on his neck for a week. Then one day while at the town getting supplies for his family he saw the group reenter the town. This time they were carrying a few bodies of their dead. Later that night he could not sleep he crept into the town to see if he could hear some stories. As he got closer he noticed on the road there appeared to be a large group moving towards the town. As he got closer he saw a large force of ugly humans with tusks. He later learned these were orcs. He quickly ran to the inn and woke up everyone. The battle that came afterwards left many townsfolk dead. A few more of the strange group was also dead. All the attacking orcs were killed. The townsfolk thinking the group brought this upon them told them all to leave. Shamus defended the group stating the orcs were always there and would have attacked anyways. The group ended up leaving only 3 out of the original 8. Shamus left with them. As he met with them that night the leader named Krim gave him a shortsword and started practicing with him. Krim saw the natural talent of this young man and worked with him on improving it. After a few weeks of training Shamus could force a draw. A few more weeks beyond that and Krim could not even defeat him. During this time the group grew a bit to 7 people and they were hired out for various activities. One such time they were hired for strongarm tactics and one of the group members killed a young child. During this Krim and Shamus grew outraged. Krim drew his bastard sword and as it dripped acid blood he killed everyone in the group except Shamus. At the end of the battle they were approached by a man in platemail. This man offered them both something they did not have. The man lead them to Taigen. There they joined a group called the Order of the Phoenix. This group found those who were lost in the darkness of life. They would show these people that there is light and goodness still in the world. Krim joined them and Shamus followed. Both took vows to never let vengeance rule their heart. Krim put his sword into its scabbard and promised Shamus that the old Krim was gone and would never return. These two then went around and fought against many evil together. After some time together Krim told Shamus of his intent to go back home and see how things are going. Shamus agreed to not follow him but told Krim to meet him back at Taigen soon so they can get their next set of orders. Krim went north to Kendrik and Shamus ventured into the Widow forest to see out the orc threat and find out why they were massing. After some weeks of no word Shamus got worried and traveled to Taigen. After getting there the priest met him at the gates and told him that Krim needed his friend quickly. The priest cast a spell to help Shamus get there swiftly. Shamus not knowing how to navigate from the sky missed Kendrik by a few miles and landed on the ground hard. Since his mount needed rest and healing he decided to camp the night. The next morning he headed out on the road seeking his lost friend.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

More exercises in fiction as I work on conversations. So a fictional chat through some chat program.

ForeverK : Hello there how are you doing?
Saralost28 : Do I know you?
ForeverK : Not really sorry. I saw you had a personal add up. I figured I would say hello and chat...
Saralost28 : um.. ok
ForeverK : Hey looks I understand this is probably a bit weird. Sorry to have bothered you....
Seconds passed by as I stared at my computer screen. Idling surfing another web page while I waited for a response or for a simple goodbye.

Saralost28 : Hey don’t worry about it. I forgot I had one placed up. So I figure you have read mine and it puts you in a advantage can I read yours?

ForeverK : um ok I guess. let me get the link here..

ForeverK : try this.. it should work..

Now I feel like I am holding my breath. These personals never really work out. After a few dates or even a few words I get the blow off. Why should I expect anything different? Why do I feel like I have invested so much into this one person. Heck I don’t even know who she is. For all I know she could be a he...

Saralost28 : So how long have you been a member of the site?
ForeverK : Probably about a year.
Saralost28 : Have you met any good people?
ForeverK : Lots of good people and some wonderful people but not someone truly special

Saralost28 : I know I could just look at your profile and find out the answer but I wish to ask instead just to see it from you rather than someone that was written a year or so ago..
ForeverK : um ok.. what do you wish to know?

Saralost28 : Do you like kids or ever want to have kids?
ForeverK : Yea I love kids. I spoil my niece and nephew often.. they are so much fun..

Saralost28 : Why don’t you smoke? and which do you prefer dog or cat?
ForeverK : I don’t smoke anymore because I did not like the idea of something controlling me when I was younger. I stopped and never got back into it as it held no lure for me... and I really have no preference between a dog or cat.. I like both equally

Saralost28 : No one can truly like both.. if you had to choose between one or the other which would you pick?
ForeverK : If I had to choose I would probably choose a dog as I can take it hiking with me..
Saralost28 : you answered that pretty quickly...
ForeverK : yeah.. I borrow a friends dog sometimes to have company when I go hiking or walking...
Saralost28 : that sounds almost pathetic.. Oh well. you don’t mind discussing life, the universe and everything?

ForeverK : I do not however if may often admit i am wrong just because I lack the knowledge in a certain area. But if it is something I know I can be quiet stubborn about it.
Saralost28 : do you prefer staying in on a Saturday or going out hiking or hanging out with friends..
ForeverK : It depends.. Sometimes I like to do any of those.. if I want to be alone or by myself or if I needed to be around people..
Saralost28 : I am looking for someone that is confidant but not overbearing..
ForeverK : I am neither of those.. i have some confidence but not complete in myself if that makes sense.

Saralost28 : What do you want out of life...
ForeverK : I am not sure what I want yet..
Saralost28 : what if I told you I need to have someone that knows what they want out of life..
ForeverK : I would still not be sure of what I want yet... I am not the man of your dreams and I doubt I will be. I just want to be a friend and hangout.. perhaps over time I can become something more but lets not think that far ahead...

Saralost28 : I understand. alright enough questions from me then...
ForeverK : Do you own a dog or a cat
Saralost28 : neither.. my lease does not allow pets.
ForeverK : why the question then?
Saralost28 : was curious what your answer was. I knew a guy who kept changing his mind to match what he thought I had. It was quite entertaining.

Quick witted and a sense of humor. She wasn't lying in her ad.

ForeverK : Poor guy.. did you tell him the truth in the end?
Saralost28 : na.. it was so funny..
ForeverK :I imagine he probably developed a complex.. perhaps you should warn the local pet store or animal shelter for psycho on the loose..

Saralost28 : So why the online dating thing?
ForeverK :I figured why not at least this way I don’t have to pay 3$ for watered down beer.. And you?
Saralost28 : It was on a lark.. got home one night after getting hit on by some losers at a gas station. I mean really.. pickup lines at the gas pump.. pu-leaze..
ForeverK :he he.. I can picture that now.. perhaps next time I pump gas I will have to try that.. 'Hey baby pumping 95 octane eh.. you must love your car'
Saralost28 : yeah excuse me while I gag
ForeverK : whoa I forgot they had the throwing up smiley now.
Saralost28 : really because now there is the occasion for it to be used..
ForeverK :
Saralost28 : wow that’s pretty gross..
ForeverK :yeah but definitely fits the moment eh
Saralost28 :
ForeverK :yeah.. it does.. So did you ever get your ignition problem fixed on your car?
Saralost28 : WTF!

Damn I should not have said that. Probably freaked her out or something now.

ForeverK :oh sorry.. before I chat with anyone I do a search on their user name.. Once ran into some white supremest woman who was pretty freaky... Sorry.. I found your post on a message board for the Ford Focus..

Saralost28 : that’s definitely creepy..
ForeverK :Yeah I take pills for that.. Tonight is extra creepy night tomorrow is placebo's though to balance it out..
Saralost28 : I ended up taking the car in.. hm... hang on..

Oh great now she is doing a search on my name. I hope she does not find my comment about rating operating systems by the number of stupid user calls I get at work. Perhaps I will direct her towards something a bit more lighthearted. Would hate to scare her away by some geekish stuff I post on the net.

ForeverK :I also go by the name Souldancer
Saralost28 : um.. how did you
ForeverK : took a guess.. you find anything cool?
Saralost28 : Yeah.. you have quiet the history.. and you drive a Kia!
ForeverK :Yeah it was cheap.. but it runs..
Saralost28 : man I wouldn't be caught dead in a Kia
ForeverK :Does that mean you will be picking me up?

Making fun of my car. Man she drives a focus. Hello kettle this is pot. Guess what? We're both black.

Saralost28 : What makes you think I would want to actually see you in person?
ForeverK :because I once posted a model's picture with my name attached to it and you probably already saw it.. so think I am some cute guy..

I wonder if she has found that picture.

Saralost28 : now your definitely creepy... How long are your placebo's?
ForeverK : only tomorrow then back to the regular dosage:-)

Saralost28 : 7pm work for you?

ForeverK :it will be wonderful..
Saralost28 : Where would you like to go...
ForeverK :lets start with dinner and go from there..
Saralost28 : um ok.. its late anyways email me your address and number... goodnight...
ForeverK :night


Well here goes nothing. I hope she keeps her sense of humor. I hope she was kidding about my Kia. I love my little car.

Sudden intake of breath as if a yawn is coming on.. Mid yawn as my lungs fill with air a thought overwhelms me and outcomes my emotions.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

My mind likes playing tricks on me. An active imagination that runs wild. The vision of a spider slowly landing on my face while I am half asleep. The random flashing red light out of the corner of my eye then my mind adds a blue light to it. It feeds off my own fears and grows to gigantic proportions. Little things like the feeling of an ant or bug crawling on me or the water drop dripping down a shower curtain on the other side so it looks like a bug crawling down. Things that I can quickly see and dismiss though they give fright for a moment are not that bad. It is the things that I cannot so quickly dismiss. A sharp word that someone gives and it feels like something more. My imagination feeds off of it and twists it into something larger and more sinister. Most of the time I can ignore it as I am used to my own internal monologue of self doubt and paranoid schizophrenia. So easy to dismiss such things as I know who my friend are and just have to stop and reassure myself. The most deadly thing that it does is it twists simple things. An off hand compliment something like, ‘That’s a nice shirt’. Then suddenly I am bombarded by thoughts of interest or possibilities. Those I can dismiss but it requires a lot more work. It does however make me a bit oblivious towards such things. I question peoples motives when they say something nice and depending on the person my mind plays with it. I think its an effect of boredom or something. Like a computer that has excess clock cycles it uses those to do this. A simple phrase like, ‘Your cute’ and bang parts of me is ready to ponder what the real meaning behind that was. When I was younger in school kids made fun of my their taunting voices brought me down. Now that school is done with their voices still exist keeping me down. My mind likes playing tricks on me. Perhaps I will wake up and find out this is all just a cruel dream it played. To find myself still age 11 to live through all this all over again.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Its amazing how long 4 years is. Also never ceases to amaze me how quickly it went by. I was dwelling on that when I got up this morning. The events that stand out in my mind over the course of 4 years. I could compare it to a recovering alcoholic who binges and takes a few steps backwards then picks himself up and starts heading forward again. If I was to think hard on it I could narrow it down to the day. A bit more thought and an exact hour if needed. So much has changed but nothing important has. Only superficial changes and disguises fill my day as I am recovering. A.A. says to take it one day at a time or one step at a time I cannot remember. I should consider that my goal. One day at a time, but as I look back over the last year I did take it one day at a time. I have achieve nothing and have advanced little. Like one who’s trying to stay sober walking by a bar my mind strays. Friends help fill the hours but they cannot help me when I am alone. It is then I look in my mirror and see myself. Someone once asked to know more about me. To get more intimate as if I have kept my most deep thoughts hidden. How can I let someone understand me more when I do not truly understand myself. Sometimes in my dreams or in the mirror a stranger looks back at me. Other times a broken man glares back wondering what he will lose next. Hopes that are quick to rise are often pulled back down as swiftly. I cannot let my hopes get too high for I do not take disappointment too well. To expect nothing of others and myself though is not a way to live. A little over 1461 days. Over 400 of those days I have been in a holding pattern. Soon I will run out of fuel and I will be forced to make a change. I work towards ending it on my terms but often feel things get out of control. How long can I maintain what I have been doing? How long before that change? Will I ever know myself and understand things better? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? So many questions and so few answers. Abstract visions and paintings that give a glimpse of the future but nothing definite. My dreams continue to taunt me with things I cannot have. I may have failed in many tasks and dreams that I tried to complete. I will succeed in another though. I will try to let others get to know me. I will remove the barrier I erected to protect myself. I will return to being who I was and challenge that man in the mirror to speak otherwise I will not stare at him any longer.