Tuesday, July 13, 2004

My mind likes playing tricks on me. An active imagination that runs wild. The vision of a spider slowly landing on my face while I am half asleep. The random flashing red light out of the corner of my eye then my mind adds a blue light to it. It feeds off my own fears and grows to gigantic proportions. Little things like the feeling of an ant or bug crawling on me or the water drop dripping down a shower curtain on the other side so it looks like a bug crawling down. Things that I can quickly see and dismiss though they give fright for a moment are not that bad. It is the things that I cannot so quickly dismiss. A sharp word that someone gives and it feels like something more. My imagination feeds off of it and twists it into something larger and more sinister. Most of the time I can ignore it as I am used to my own internal monologue of self doubt and paranoid schizophrenia. So easy to dismiss such things as I know who my friend are and just have to stop and reassure myself. The most deadly thing that it does is it twists simple things. An off hand compliment something like, ‘That’s a nice shirt’. Then suddenly I am bombarded by thoughts of interest or possibilities. Those I can dismiss but it requires a lot more work. It does however make me a bit oblivious towards such things. I question peoples motives when they say something nice and depending on the person my mind plays with it. I think its an effect of boredom or something. Like a computer that has excess clock cycles it uses those to do this. A simple phrase like, ‘Your cute’ and bang parts of me is ready to ponder what the real meaning behind that was. When I was younger in school kids made fun of my their taunting voices brought me down. Now that school is done with their voices still exist keeping me down. My mind likes playing tricks on me. Perhaps I will wake up and find out this is all just a cruel dream it played. To find myself still age 11 to live through all this all over again.

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