Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The other night I came up with part of the conversation. The rest of it kinda delevoped along the way. So here is a bit more of Matthew and Tammy's late night event.

I remember her question and I wish I had a witty response for it. The evening slowly coming back in snippits. Amazing what the mind ponders while your riding in a bus. I should be happy as I enjoy my job but I keep thinking about the previous night. I wonder if the conversation coming back to me will distract me for the rest of the evening? I know its definitely distracting now.

"So shall we go down the list?"

"There is a list?"

"Yeah there is...."

"Are you really curious or is this to fill up the time?"

"ouch.. To fill up the time of course.. That way when I forget it wont matter."

"I thought I was the one with the memory problem?"

"Sorry I did not mean that in any mean or cruel way. I do forget thing though."

"No problem. Riding in your car has me on the defensive. Do you race part time or aspire to be a getaway driver?"

"Na.. I am just proud of my 'bird and enjoy driving."

After the initial tension and after I relaxed a bit the conversation lightened up. The stupid but funny comments I barely remember.

"Do you ever wonder?"

"Everyday. Sometimes every hour I question."

"What is it like?"

"I do not remember."

"Haha very funny. How has your family been dealing with it?"

"I do not know. I rarely talk to them. They have their lives to live and deal with and well... They do not feel like my family. I did not even go to Thanksgivings or Christmas last year."

"Sounds like a lonely existence."

"Thanks for the support. Just remember your hanging out with this loser willingly."

"Yeah hopefully noone I know will see me here." I flashed her a hurt look and she smiled back. I knew she was playing.

"How about you? Aside from the car and the removal of 180 pounds of flesh how are you doing?"
"lonely also. My family live in Texas so I rarely visit or really hear from them. So they live their lives and I live mine. Kind of like your life. Except I have memories of getting my butt spanked when I did something stupid."

"Even having those memories would be nice."

"Do you want to be spanked?" She ended the sentence with a giggle and as it sunk into my mind I blushed.

"Well perhaps I should quit on a high note. I have successfully made you blush. Heck I could never do that while you were in the hospital."

"Things are different now. That's why."

"What things are different?"

"Well for one... I can fight back!" I threw an ice cube at her face. She turned up and to the side to avoid it hitting her mouth. Since my aim was horrid it hit under her chin and took a downward route along her neck. Then it slide down her chest under her shirt.

"EEP!!!" She cried out. Now that I remember her little dance as the cold ice cube chilled her I laugh but I remember being worried I upset her while it was happening. The thought made me laugh and I realized some people on the bus were looking at me funny. Since I have already made a scene I might as well enjoy a good laugh.

I was still giggling after I got off the bus at work.

Monday, April 18, 2005

People deal with death in many ways. Some people it crushes them. Others carry on the little troopers. There are those who use it to convince themselves they need to change and make their lives better. Ones who become distraught and overwhelmed with emotion they cease to function. I do not remember how I deal with it. The few ones in my life that have died were never someone that I was really close to. How can one prepare themselves for such? A lifetime in preparation could still fail. Here is one such story.

I can feel my fist shaking. The tremble making it's way down my arm. Until from my elbow down it is all shaking. My fist clenched around it and muscles taunt. The night is still young but I am not. Age has been creeping into my bones and the thought of dying no longer scared me. Today my daughter died and I wept at her deathbed. Millions of dollars spent and still I could not save her. She has had trouble with her heart in the past and we did what we could to get it fixed. She suffered from hypertrophied cardiomyopathy. It is a rare heart condition where your heart stops. We tried everything we could get our hands on. Even some little device that would shock the heart if it stopped. Today it did not work. Today I said goodbye to Tiffany. Tomorrow I will contact our church and cancel arrangements that were made years ago when we first found out about her situation. I being the assistance pastor will be missed when I announce my resignation. If I even announce it. I remember looking at my baby girl her eyes fluttering open for a moment after a doctor performed CPR on her and got her heart started again. She had been clinically dead for several minutes. She looked at me and spoke her final words.

'Heaven is a lie.'

She closed her eyes and they were not able to revive her. The doctor told me hours later that a vessel had been torn. The strain on the heart caused it to stop. Then when they revived her since they did not know there was internal bleeding it caused the heart to stop again after which they were not able to resuscitate her.

The years I have spent in the church devoting my life to God came to me in a rush. The divorce with my wife because she did not agree with how deep my life revolved around God. The years with my daughter spent taking her to various church functions. The late nights spent planning sermons, trips, events, and ..... oh I do not want to think about it anymore. To know if all of it has been for a lie? To know if my baby was speaking the truth. To know for sure that my years were not wasted. I would suffer an eternity for that. I would rather know and suffer than to keep questioning and suffer. I would also be with my baby again. Why did you have to take her? Will you grant me that question when I see you? Will my judgment be so quick? Will you have time to grant me an answer before you cast me out of your sight? God why did you do this to us?

No answer comes from my empty house. All the lights are out. My decision was made hours ago. I just needed to confide in someone. Let my last words to you be, ' I'm sorry'
Goodbye Melissa.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

(EDIT So I figured I would add a bit more to what I wrote previously. )

For some reason I just cannot come up with a decent conversation for Matthews and Tammy's visit to Denny's. I keep trying but nothing decent appears in my mind. So I decided for now I am going to glaze over it and only reference it via a dream sequence which will bring forth a desire in Matthew to discover what is in the box which is almost Muholland drive'ish. Either way enjoy..

When I first started recovering the doctor that handled my case would often recommend I keep a journal of sorts. That the brain was a strange device and sometimes it needed to be jumpstarted into remembering things. The plan was that if I wrote down thoughts perhaps something would trigger and I would start regaining lost memories. So I would jot things down randomly for a few months but evuantally set it down and never took it back up. It has been a few years and I plan on writing more. Even as I write this down I stop and glance at previous pages and see where I have written the same thing before. Often it appears I would tell myself that I would write more often and not do so for a length of time. I wonder if I broke promises to myself before in the past? However what caused my sudden renewed interst in writing down my thoughts? Well....

Dreams are wierd. I was dreaming about the time spent with Tammy at a local Denny's. It was almost as if I was watching myself watch myself talking to her. I knew the words that were going to be said and I saw two images of myself. One sitting at the table speaking with her and another me wandering around the table slowly mouthing the words coming out of my mouth. In the back corner of the Denny's though I saw a small glint of light. I kept watching as the witty banter between me and Tammy built up. Every few moments a light would hit the corner of my eye and I would glance over there and I would see a metal box. I do not remember the box from the night and it would seem strange that it would be there to distract me watching me. As the night winded down and both of us were showing signs of being tired we went up to pay the bill. Me being the gentleman paying for her. While I waited for Tammy and myself to take care of the bill I wandered back to the corner to look at the box. It was about 6 inches deep and 1foot by 1 foot. There was a little latch which I slowly turned and lifted up on the top. As I looked inside I saw a small brown package. As I reached down to grab the package red numbers started to glow on it. As I pulled it closer the numbers got bigger but I could not decipher them.

"00:8 ?" As I focused more on it hoping to figure out what it could mean the Denny's disappeared leaving me in a grey room with the red numbers glowing giving an erie feeling to the room. I slowly turned the package around a little to get a different angle and when I had rotated it around it finally became clear to me. It said 8:00. It was then I woke up with my alarm sounding and it sitting in my left hand.

Dreams are wierd.