Monday, April 18, 2005

People deal with death in many ways. Some people it crushes them. Others carry on the little troopers. There are those who use it to convince themselves they need to change and make their lives better. Ones who become distraught and overwhelmed with emotion they cease to function. I do not remember how I deal with it. The few ones in my life that have died were never someone that I was really close to. How can one prepare themselves for such? A lifetime in preparation could still fail. Here is one such story.

I can feel my fist shaking. The tremble making it's way down my arm. Until from my elbow down it is all shaking. My fist clenched around it and muscles taunt. The night is still young but I am not. Age has been creeping into my bones and the thought of dying no longer scared me. Today my daughter died and I wept at her deathbed. Millions of dollars spent and still I could not save her. She has had trouble with her heart in the past and we did what we could to get it fixed. She suffered from hypertrophied cardiomyopathy. It is a rare heart condition where your heart stops. We tried everything we could get our hands on. Even some little device that would shock the heart if it stopped. Today it did not work. Today I said goodbye to Tiffany. Tomorrow I will contact our church and cancel arrangements that were made years ago when we first found out about her situation. I being the assistance pastor will be missed when I announce my resignation. If I even announce it. I remember looking at my baby girl her eyes fluttering open for a moment after a doctor performed CPR on her and got her heart started again. She had been clinically dead for several minutes. She looked at me and spoke her final words.

'Heaven is a lie.'

She closed her eyes and they were not able to revive her. The doctor told me hours later that a vessel had been torn. The strain on the heart caused it to stop. Then when they revived her since they did not know there was internal bleeding it caused the heart to stop again after which they were not able to resuscitate her.

The years I have spent in the church devoting my life to God came to me in a rush. The divorce with my wife because she did not agree with how deep my life revolved around God. The years with my daughter spent taking her to various church functions. The late nights spent planning sermons, trips, events, and ..... oh I do not want to think about it anymore. To know if all of it has been for a lie? To know if my baby was speaking the truth. To know for sure that my years were not wasted. I would suffer an eternity for that. I would rather know and suffer than to keep questioning and suffer. I would also be with my baby again. Why did you have to take her? Will you grant me that question when I see you? Will my judgment be so quick? Will you have time to grant me an answer before you cast me out of your sight? God why did you do this to us?

No answer comes from my empty house. All the lights are out. My decision was made hours ago. I just needed to confide in someone. Let my last words to you be, ' I'm sorry'
Goodbye Melissa.