Monday, October 25, 2004

Because the random group of words I just dumped out onto the screen is not really enough here is a thought.

A bit more than I thought but oh well. Sadly it has happened to me that I went to school with and attended various activities with a person but do not remember them from such. Perhaps some repressed memories I do not know. Each person has their own take on life growing up in high school. The memories we retain fit to the ideal we want. I have the not so good school memories. I was not the in crowd person. I was the loner. How much of it is a fabrication of my own psyche constructed to maintain a delusion I do not know. Little things like people who I do not remember or things that happened differently from my memory appear and occur. Sometimes I ponder the idea of attending the 10year reunion to find out more but doubt it would help me. What really occurred in my childhood during those years at high school are forever lost. The little bit I have retained I have to remind myself is shaded with a skewed vision. Little acts of kindness that occurred but I do not remember now does not mean they did not happen. It means I did not want to remember them to keep up the delusion I fabricated. At least that’s what I think so far. I could be wrong and my memories could be 100% correct and the person could be just a rare error. Who knows anymore for I truly do not.

The sun had long since set. The darkness in the hallways broken by the occasional glow of a exit sign. The night was definitely a good time to scout out the building. Paul wandered around up and down the hallways working in his mind the distance and how things will go down. He counted footsteps and possible places he could hide a backpack or sack with a surprise. As a part time janitor he had free access to the building after everyone had left. He was also in charge of making sure any vandalism that happened was reported quickly. So he had a phone that was paid for by the school. As he wandered down each hallway he took careful note where the sprinklers were and the sensors. The thought of an oncoming cold winter made him smile as he thought about his classmates trapped like rats. Horrible things yet to come made him smile while he wandered down the hallways. As he wandered he notice a light was still shining from the library. He grabbed his flashlight and prepped the wireless phone for an emergency call and headed down that way. As he came to the doors they were open and inside there was soft music playing way in the back. Slowly he entered with his guard up wondering if some seniors were preparing a prank for the librarian in the morning. As the spotlight scanned the aisle ways he noticed a small figure hunched over a table. They had a lamp between him and them. He could not see their face but could see the vague outline of a book on the table. He turned off his flashlight so he could watch more before deciding what to do. So he slowly walked up until he was 20 feet away and waited. Still the light was in his way so he moved a bit over to the side and saw the figure was a girl. She had been apparently reading for a while as there was a few other books sitting on the table next to her. She had three total open while reading intently on one. One of her hands was holding a spot in another book and a can of soda kept the third open. She would read from one then jump to the other. Then a quick look up at the can then back to the first book again. Paul stood there and watched for quite a while unnoticed.

The moment was broken by the cackle of the walkie-talkie function of his phone. A voice appeared in the room and startled the girl.

‘Paul I am over at the east entrance. Can you come and let me in? I left my work bag in my office.’

‘Um ok give me a sec to get over there.’ Paul responded into his phone. The while time he was looking straight into her eyes as she had looked up and turned towards him. Paul released the button on his phone and looked straight at her.

‘I will be back in a bit. Please continue what you were doing. Though I have some questions on why your still here at this hour.’ Paul turned and headed towards the entrance. Stopping for a moment at the library doors to close them to avoid questions from the teacher who left his bag. He hurried down the hallway towards the east entrance. As he got to the door he pulled out his keys and quickly unlocked it. He recognized the teacher as one of the math teachers. He escorted him to his office and let him unlock it and then waited for the teacher to emerge from his office. While he stood there in the hallway he thought back to the moment he had with the girl. He could not remember who she was. Which was odd as he had recently taken inventory of his classmates with the yearbook. There was 12 who did not have pictures in his class of 230. Perhaps she could be one of those. If so which one? As he stood there lost in his own world the teacher had emerged and relocked his door. The jumble of the teachers keys shook Paul from his stupor and he escorted him back to the east entrance. Waiving goodbye to the teacher, he locked the door and headed back to the library.

When he got to the library the doors were still closed. He opened them and saw the scene had not changed. She was still off in her own little world reading oblivious to his return. As he walked closer he bumped a chair.

‘I have permission from the librarian to study here for a bit. I was just looking up something written by Neitzche. Sometimes I think he is brilliant but then he says something completely stupid.’

‘And what would you know about Neitzche?’

‘I know that I am the truth and you lack understanding of it still.’ She looked up at him with a smug smile on her face while closing the books. Paul looked at her somewhat puzzled by her statement.

‘I take it you have not read anything of Neitzche?’

‘Only when I wish to go to sleep.’

‘Funny but you should read him sometime. He is sometimes an intelligent man.’

‘Sometimes? One would think he would be able to achieve that all the time.’

‘Sadly no but oh well. My name is Sarah. How can I help you?’

‘I’m Paul I patrol these borders keeping safe from orcs who dare try to invade the southern land.’

Sarah stood up and walked towards Paul with a hand extended. When he responded she got a phone pressed into her hand.

‘Um sorry I forgot I was still holding onto that.’ Paul awkwardly placed the phone and flashlight on his belt. Then he extended his left hand. Realizing his error he pulled it back and thrust out his right hand. They shook hands after much buildup and for a moment no one spoke.

‘I don’t remember you being here last year.’ Paul broke the silence as he still could not place her in the yearbook.'

‘I wasn’t here I took a year off because of family issues.’

‘Ah still I do not remember you at all. I thought I knew all my classmates but not you.’

‘Weird I know you though. I remember you were in art group freshman year. We did the haunted house thing remember?’

‘I remember that but still not you.’

‘I hung out with Amy and Stephanie. Don’t you remember? Suddenly I feel so unappreciated. I helped you setup your background for your mad scientist gig. Also the three of us invited you to Amy’s house for drinks afterwards.’

‘Still drawing a blank. I remember Amy and Steph. Still for some reason I am drawing a blank on you. Weird.’

‘Then lets make new memories as I have been curious what everyone has been up to while I have been gone. Do you have to stay here the whole night or can you go get coffee with me?’

‘I am only here till 8pm then I can leave. Though I doubt anyone would notice if I left early. Do you have a location in mind?’

‘Yes there is a little cafĂ© off of main that has some good coffee and a decent atmosphere.’

‘Wonderful then meet me there in 10minutes then?’

‘Actually it would take longer as I don’t have a car.’

‘No problem I can give you a ride. Let me do a quick scan of the building and meet me by the west entrance. Also don’t forget to turn off the lights.’

‘No problem see you soon.’

‘don’t forget to close the doors also, and put the books away I would have for anyone to get into trouble for the Mrs. Crenshaw’s decision to let you stay here after school hours.’
Paul quickly walked away as he had some new things to ponder and as he stood there talking to her a number of things could have happened to the rest of the building. While Paul did his routine search he focused not on hiding spots or areas where he could maintain cover and still target people but he actually searched for intruders. Suddenly the thought of hurting people who hurt him or laughed at such disappeared. The critical eye scanning for faults was replaced by a smile and eyes full of life.
It all comes back to this. If I could think of a point in existence where I can return to and start over this moment would be it. It would be a moment of truth and no lies. For who can I lie to at this point? Reality is there presenting me with a problem. I cannot deny the feelings presented. I cannot deny the pain that is slowly rising to the forefront of my mind. The direct consequences of my actions is felt immediately. I could sit here and deny everything or make up some half-truth to cover up for it. I could sit and I could fabricate a reality that would coincide with the future I desire. There are lot of things I can do but it will not deny the simple fact. Nothing I will do will make the objects disappear. Nothing I will do will prevent me from continuing the course I have set. This weekend a few plans I have been working on were set into motion. Nothing devious simple things that I would not pursue in the past. Simple things that mean a great deal in the long run. Self improvement is masturbation. That quote kept me from seriously considering self improvement. I know that self destruction will not lead me to what I seek. Nor will it help in my journey to find out what the heck I really want. I have found out from experience that self-delusion leads me nowhere but to the point I am at now. There are two paths I could take in pursuit of the self-delusion. One would be the delusions of grandeur. The other path I have seen is an early burial. Previously I have pondered both paths. I never planned on living to be 21. Nor did I plan on making it to 25. As the years roll by I realize that I have to choose a course or else I will fail utterly. The impetuous visions of youth that drove me to not seek society. Little did I know then that you can make it what you want. I always thought it was this big monster out to consume me. Now it is not. It is a lot of smaller monsters that can be geared or pushed along into the reality that is comfortable for many. What did I know then? I also realize I know very little now. I am as much as a monster as so many others are. I see this so the first step in moving the monsters towards the reality I want is to start with myself. Self-improvement will be key in that. Simple things like just walking away from that which I do not like. If I do not have the courage to walk away or the drive to leave then perhaps I do like what ever it is. I remember getting crap about simple things from my friends and I stood there and either smiled or laughed or asked for silence. I must work on simply walking away. Perhaps a clue will be captured and they will realize I no longer wish for such. Will all this go to naught and I find myself in this position again. I will call it static null. If I find myself in static null again pondering the same thing I will have to recommit myself. Either with words, actions, or blood. Change is never easy nor is it ever quick ( Actually sometimes it is quick but usually with violence). It will happen given time. Self-improvement is not masturbation at least not all the time. It is if your improving for ego validation. They stand there lifting the weights on the machines while at the same time stroking their ego until they get off. To seek improvement for a higher state of being or for achieving something physically in your grasp I do not see as self-gratification. So for improvement and change. Starting with little things like appearance and working towards higher functions like mental capacity and thought process.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Nothing could really get more random than this. Another night of nothing but the same crap as the previous night.

I push my fingers into my eyes…
Clawing them out to blind myself. The dream continues on. Never to end as long as I am willing to suffer it. Simple things that edge their way into my mind. Covering topics like shoes to sandals. A whole dissection on my car pondering the individual parts waiting to break on me. Slowly each piece readies itself to turn my machine of motion into a machine of fire. Death on wheels rolling along the highway burning the skin off its driver while burning off its paint. Leaving a slight acidic smell behind me. Clenching my mouth on the exhaust hoping to breath in life. Life from the machine what more will the future hold? Sweet delicious carbon monoxide enough for me to share but I hold it all inside knowing others wont appreciate it like I do. So I drive along with full knowledge of the disaster waiting to happen. I know soon my fuel injection line will split open and spray the inside of the engine compartment with gas. Then a spark from the electrical system as I turn up my stereo to block out the voices in my head. Soon an explosion will be heard but confused with a thump of the bass. Smoke billowing out the side of the car I keep driving knowing this will be the last time I will drive this machine. This will be the last time I am in control. As soon as I stop I will lose control and I will lose my car. I will lose my mind along with the things I love. The things that I hate will consume me while I struggle to maintain the sense of loss because I wont miss the things I don’t remember about.
So I push my fingers into my eyes….
…and dream the dream given to me by another. Rock music pounding my eardrums while I sleep. The dreams breathed into my mind by a sold out singer. Someone seeking to make a few more dollars had figured out how to combine the words thread with red. Songs that begin with “Let it go” filling the air with waves of bass and weird sounds from a keyboard. Drowning in an acoustic spiral of filth hoping to find something clean to latch onto. This wave, this struggle, this night, this dream pulling me under slowly. The more I struggle the slower I am pulled under but I know there is no way out. Blackness consumes me and I fear for my soul.
The sudden break given by a voice of clarity. A loud voice speaking the words that free me, ‘Fuck your prefect. Your reflection.’ The struggle to be who I am not suddenly ceased for the moment while my mind comprehends the idea of only being myself. The brief moment before the voices in my head proclaim I am nothing at all so copying something else is the only way that I can define the I in my existence. Still suffering the delusions that I will make a difference. The bass line on a song pulls me back into lethargy and the audio vortex latches onto me again as a multitude of voices proclaim themselves as a way to incivility. I don’t want to breath anymore. I don’t want to see anymore. I don’t want to suffer anymore. Most of all I do not want to feel anymore. None of the songs have the answer to total numbness interrupted by moments of pain brought on by hatred. Nor do they have the answer for moments wasted waiting for a asteroid to wipe out humanity from the world. Still salvaging my identity from the twister is the single phrase, ‘Fuck your perfection!’ The lonely words spoken out in anger and passion freeing me from the claws of demons seeking to doom me to mediocrity. There are no excuses for my weakness. Nor is there any examples of people like me succeeding. There are books filled with those who failed. Those who were reduced to a shadow of their former self from drugs. Those who attempted to free themselves but failed either by their own fault or something walking in. Everyday something new hits me and chills me. The cold wind blowing through my heart echo’s and rattles my ears. There are no excuses to continue. The only point is to suffer more and hope that in the end it will be worth something more.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Sadly lacking anything to really write about the past few days. A few things that I have been mulling about in my mind keep popping up but I suppress them quickly.
So I figured I would take a line out of my script outline I did a while ago and expand on it further. Plus cut a bit of it out that was not really necessary. More so it was another exercise in dialog.

20. Phone call and meeting up with Staci. Middle of nowhere target practice. She brings toys for big boys. Offers advice that revenge is never a good dish to eat.

“Man its fucking cold.”
“Hey Staci how are you doing?”
“Man fuck off and lets get this done. Its fucking cold out here. Plus it weirds me out miles of nothing around. Someone could be sitting on a hill watching us.”
“Don’t worry. We are miles from anyone except a cows.”
“Alright so lets get this straight you want something heavier than that Colt.”
“Yeah I have a feeling shits going to get deep and I need something to comfort me at night”
“I thought you got out of this shit years ago Joel.”
“I did too but it appears I have some cleaning up to do.”
“You know my record what are you looking for?”
“Something automatic. Preferably burst for accuracy.”
“Alright I have something but your not setting up business…”
“Tomorrow I bury my mom and dad. This is definitely not business. This is some cleaning that needed to be done and will get done.”
“Damn. Nothing personal but do you mind if I get cash now?” Staci flashed 15 with her fingers out of sight for all except Joel.
“I can give you half and write a check for the other half but I did not expect this shit so have not stopped at the bank.”
“Half will work just remember you owe me.”
“Cool thanks for coming out so quickly.” Joel stepped up and handed a wad of cash to her.
“No problem I owed you a little from back when. “ She carefully took the money and stuffed it into her front pocket. With her other hand she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a little piece of paper. She then handed it to Joel.
Joel took the paper and unwrapped it. Reading the directions on there he found out his gun was in a box near mile marker 214.
“Thanks again for this. Someday we should meet without a business reason.”
“That would be nice. Though I fear after the shit goes down I wont be able to be seen with you in public. Remember Joel revenge is never a good dish to eat. It tastes horrible cold and hot. Best thing I can recommend is get it done and over with quickly don’t try to savor it.”
“Thanks that is what I plan on doing. Take care and hopefully see you around.”
Joel stood there watching the truck drive off the dirt road and fade into the distance. Not wanting to cause her any distress he waited there a full 5 minutes before getting back into his car. It started up and choked out a small smoke cloud in protest. Joel pressed down on the gas and drove off to find his new toy.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004


The guitar wailed. A single chord that hummed and pierced through the air. The band stopped at her declaration and looked straight at her. She was looking into the crowd. Through the heads that had been bobbin a moment again and was looking right into my eyes. Her hand shook with anger or terror I never found out. She stood there the statue of a womankind ready to proclaim her independence. As she got herself under control the hand came back up and scrapped her fingers across the strings producing a sound full of pain and anguish.

‘Why are you here still at my door?
You know the feeling every time
I look at your face like reopening a sore
You know I never wanted to see you again
But since you’re here I might as well try
Kiss me before I change my mind
And let us both remember the moment
A swift kiss on the lips. You pull back
Because I bit. Pulling a bit of blood to make you feel
The same pain I feel when your gone.
Now I want you to go before I call the cops.’

She quickly spit out the words after the first line her band picked up the beat and quickly came along. Soon she was out of breath shaking while holding her guitar trying to squeeze the a bit more of music out of it.

‘Hey gabba gabba hey..' At least she paid attention to her punk history class.
'Shut-up… shut-up…
Get the fuck out of my sight’

A quick chorus brought on by her lack of breath after she said it once the drummer and backup guitarist repeated it twice while she stood there staring up at the ceiling letting her hands speak for her through a electric guitar. You could see her chest rise as she took a deep breath as if she was preparing to take a dive into a lake.

‘Memories of slammed and broken doors
Fill my nights as I miss your embrace
Missing the moments I slept in the bathroom
With a knife and a locked door
Because you came home angry and drunk
When it was good it was good
It didn’t make up for the hell you put me through
Now just goooooooooo…….

Hey gabba gabba hey..
Hey gabba gabba hey..
Shut-up… shut-up… shut-up…
Just get the fuck out of my sight’

A chord ended her hands had long since stopped as she collapsed on the stage catching her breath while everyone looked up in amazement. What had started as a mellow night for this place suddenly picked up into something full of energy. Her band mates picked her up and carried her outside while the owner or someone put some old punk music into the sound system. People started moving, the walls started shaking, and I started feeling more and more alone. I drank what was left in my glass and headed out back for a smoke. As I got to the door the drummer was walking back in heading towards the bar and she was sitting there on a step while her guitarist was off in a corner relieving himself. With a cigarette in my mouth I approached her.

‘Hey you got a light?’

'why are you here?'

‘I wanted a smoke’

‘No I mean why are you here’ As she glanced into the club.

'I figured I owed you...'

'you owe me nothing I got the beer'

'I also agreed to listen'

'so then I ask why are you here?' With her free hand she pointed to the ground where I was standing.

'I am here to listen'

'no I mean why are you outside here with me'

'I guess I also wanted to talk.'

'about what the weather or some other lame topic that is rehashed millions of times by those pretending to be interested?'

'no I wanted to talk about you.' She looked at me with surprise and horror on her face. I don’t remember what she said in response but the swiftness she left and the rude gesture brought her meaning across.

As I stood there staring out at the stars I saw she left matches on the step where she had sat. I reached down and grabbed them to light my cigarette. Breathing in deeply I figured I should find another bar for the time being.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Perhaps self destruction is the key. The object people should seek. The Zen that many search for and need in their lives. Self improvement has been used by many others in the past and it has not worked. Self destruction rarely fails. Time will tell though in the end those seeking self improvement and fail will still have the option of self destruction. Those who seek self destruction if they fail may not have the chance to try something else.

Another Saturday night out. At the same bar at the last time. This time my friend decided she could get a taste of different girls at another club. One called the Vault opened. It was an underground building more like a basement. Couldn’t really call it a club or a bar as it was more like someone leased it and wanted to have some friends over. Rather seedy place with many people smoking inside even though city code was against it. It was a place that was how it was because otherwise it would be not as underground as it was. Either way the place was too seedy for me. The lightning was horrid and the smoke so thick it gets to your eyes after a while. I let me friend know I was leaving though I don’t think she cared. In the arms of another girl I think she had her itinerary planned. I left the vault a bit more relieved I was gone from the place. Though I appreciate the seedy urban type of place that was just a bit too much. Walked across a small plaza stopping at another place known for its alcoholic fruits that you could get for cheap. It was there I heard another whining guitar from a bar close by. Since it was late and no one lived nearby the city let places play their music as loud as they want. Not wanting to lose my hearing I decided to head to another place that I frequent. Slowly I wandered to the place pondering what band was playing tonight. It has been two weeks since I last was here and saw her standing there. Secretly in my mind I hoped she would be there again so I could apologize.

Knowing that would not happen my mind wandered to the day after that fateful night. I stopped by my friends house to wake her up for lunch and she appeared at the door wearing part of a worn out shirt that was more holy than a catholic picnic. Though I have seen her partially naked before this did surprise me and I think she noticed it some. She let me in and headed off to her shower leaving the door open to let out steam. While I stood there listening to the spray I heard her speak.

‘So who was that girl?’ The cloud of steam shouted at me. Slowly rolling into the hallway threatening to envelope me if I did not answer.

‘What girl?’ Did I accidentally hit on one of her friends?

‘The girl you bought a drink for?’ Ah she appears to have connections.

‘Which one?’ Sometimes I try to play the stud.

‘The only one Jeff I’m not stupid and Tina said you bought someone a drink’

‘Then why didn’t you just ask that straight out? Why play the game?’

‘Do you know who she is?’

‘Some girl who sings crappy music?’

From the cloud of steam appeared a dark figure. It approached me until I was able to make out my friend wrapped up in a towel with another one being wrapped around her hair.

‘Now listen to me. I am not in the mood yet to play any games. The girl that was up there is an old love of mine. I have fond and tender memories of her. You can be insulting, sarcastic, rude, arrogant, and demeaning at times. I do not want you hurting her otherwise I will be hanging your balls in my bathroom.’

‘Oh baby such tender words for your friend. Why do you have such an interest?’

‘None of your business. Just remember there are lots of other nice girls out there. Some deserving of you and others that should be protected from you.’

‘Gee why don’t you tell me how you really feel about me?’

‘Jeff I like you I really do. Otherwise I would not have put up with your crap for so long. But you can be trying at times. You can be stupid also. I don’t want you to hurt this one person. Can you do it for me?’

‘Alright I will but I have to ask one favor from you.’ I took a small step towards her and looked her straight into her eyes. A quick look of anger appeared on her face and she abruptly pulled her towel tighter on her chest.


‘I just want you to think fast!’ I grabbed the towel from her hair and quickly wound it up to snap her ass with it while she ran back into the bathroom. The resounding locking of the door interrupted my laughing.

‘I’ll be waiting outside for you. Don’t take too long making yourself look pretty. Oh yeah I was thinking we could do Mexican today for lunch.’ I slowly walked towards the front door and closed it behind me. Lighting up a cigarette I leaned against the railing pondering why she meant so much to her.

I ended up at the same bar. It was almost the same night. Except this time I was alone and she wasn’t playing on the stage. I felt a little disappointed but figured what the heck. Perhaps I can inquire with the bartender who she was and get me a few drinks. I slowly entered the hallway after showing my ID and getting stamped by the bouncer. I recognize him from high school. He was a nerdy person who in college got into physical fitness because girls were there and bulked up. He gave me a stuff pat on the back as he recognized me and I wondered if he remembered when I made fun of him in 5th grade. Hurrying deeper into the place I decided no matter what I will be on my best behavior because if he did remember no doubt he would seek revenge. As I got near the stage I went to the bar to buy a drink and while facing away from the stage I heard it.

‘You knocked me out
With simple words
Arrogance you flout
Removing my will
and ability to speak’

I didn’t catch the rest as I started choking on my drink at the bar while I stood there watching her. It appears she decided to add a piano to her repertoire. Someone else played the guitar and a third on the drums. It was a bit slower song than last time and I was able to listen to it after removing some liquid from my lungs.

‘What do you know
Of what I need
When you look away
While I plead
This sets me free
While you hold me down
Why is it about you?
it should be about me."

The guitar player and drummer picked it up a bit while I stood there and watched. She looked straight at me and got up from the piano. I don’t know if she has seen me before. She reached down and picked up another guitar from the stage and pulled it around her neck. Even from this distance I saw confusion in the eyes of her band mates. This apparently was not part of the song. The crowd waited for her next action as they caught onto the sudden change. The band kept playing carrying the same beat showing their showmanship. The show was continuing and I wonder where it would go.