Monday, October 25, 2004

It all comes back to this. If I could think of a point in existence where I can return to and start over this moment would be it. It would be a moment of truth and no lies. For who can I lie to at this point? Reality is there presenting me with a problem. I cannot deny the feelings presented. I cannot deny the pain that is slowly rising to the forefront of my mind. The direct consequences of my actions is felt immediately. I could sit here and deny everything or make up some half-truth to cover up for it. I could sit and I could fabricate a reality that would coincide with the future I desire. There are lot of things I can do but it will not deny the simple fact. Nothing I will do will make the objects disappear. Nothing I will do will prevent me from continuing the course I have set. This weekend a few plans I have been working on were set into motion. Nothing devious simple things that I would not pursue in the past. Simple things that mean a great deal in the long run. Self improvement is masturbation. That quote kept me from seriously considering self improvement. I know that self destruction will not lead me to what I seek. Nor will it help in my journey to find out what the heck I really want. I have found out from experience that self-delusion leads me nowhere but to the point I am at now. There are two paths I could take in pursuit of the self-delusion. One would be the delusions of grandeur. The other path I have seen is an early burial. Previously I have pondered both paths. I never planned on living to be 21. Nor did I plan on making it to 25. As the years roll by I realize that I have to choose a course or else I will fail utterly. The impetuous visions of youth that drove me to not seek society. Little did I know then that you can make it what you want. I always thought it was this big monster out to consume me. Now it is not. It is a lot of smaller monsters that can be geared or pushed along into the reality that is comfortable for many. What did I know then? I also realize I know very little now. I am as much as a monster as so many others are. I see this so the first step in moving the monsters towards the reality I want is to start with myself. Self-improvement will be key in that. Simple things like just walking away from that which I do not like. If I do not have the courage to walk away or the drive to leave then perhaps I do like what ever it is. I remember getting crap about simple things from my friends and I stood there and either smiled or laughed or asked for silence. I must work on simply walking away. Perhaps a clue will be captured and they will realize I no longer wish for such. Will all this go to naught and I find myself in this position again. I will call it static null. If I find myself in static null again pondering the same thing I will have to recommit myself. Either with words, actions, or blood. Change is never easy nor is it ever quick ( Actually sometimes it is quick but usually with violence). It will happen given time. Self-improvement is not masturbation at least not all the time. It is if your improving for ego validation. They stand there lifting the weights on the machines while at the same time stroking their ego until they get off. To seek improvement for a higher state of being or for achieving something physically in your grasp I do not see as self-gratification. So for improvement and change. Starting with little things like appearance and working towards higher functions like mental capacity and thought process.

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