Monday, July 05, 2004
Its amazing how long 4 years is. Also never ceases to amaze me how quickly it went by. I was dwelling on that when I got up this morning. The events that stand out in my mind over the course of 4 years. I could compare it to a recovering alcoholic who binges and takes a few steps backwards then picks himself up and starts heading forward again. If I was to think hard on it I could narrow it down to the day. A bit more thought and an exact hour if needed. So much has changed but nothing important has. Only superficial changes and disguises fill my day as I am recovering. A.A. says to take it one day at a time or one step at a time I cannot remember. I should consider that my goal. One day at a time, but as I look back over the last year I did take it one day at a time. I have achieve nothing and have advanced little. Like one who’s trying to stay sober walking by a bar my mind strays. Friends help fill the hours but they cannot help me when I am alone. It is then I look in my mirror and see myself. Someone once asked to know more about me. To get more intimate as if I have kept my most deep thoughts hidden. How can I let someone understand me more when I do not truly understand myself. Sometimes in my dreams or in the mirror a stranger looks back at me. Other times a broken man glares back wondering what he will lose next. Hopes that are quick to rise are often pulled back down as swiftly. I cannot let my hopes get too high for I do not take disappointment too well. To expect nothing of others and myself though is not a way to live. A little over 1461 days. Over 400 of those days I have been in a holding pattern. Soon I will run out of fuel and I will be forced to make a change. I work towards ending it on my terms but often feel things get out of control. How long can I maintain what I have been doing? How long before that change? Will I ever know myself and understand things better? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? So many questions and so few answers. Abstract visions and paintings that give a glimpse of the future but nothing definite. My dreams continue to taunt me with things I cannot have. I may have failed in many tasks and dreams that I tried to complete. I will succeed in another though. I will try to let others get to know me. I will remove the barrier I erected to protect myself. I will return to being who I was and challenge that man in the mirror to speak otherwise I will not stare at him any longer.