Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Exercise in reality shaping.

A moonlit night sitting sipping a cold drink with someone playing a guitar in the background. This moment has been anticipated for me for a while. The culmination of several nights of planning and thought. The last night that I will enjoy her company. I have planned for many contingencies and thought about the various endings that could occur. How will it go down in the end?
‘Thanks for coming. I’ve always enjoyed the atmosphere of this place.’
‘No problem been so busy for the past week it is good to sit and talk.’
‘When does your new job start?’
‘In two weeks and I am so excited. Will finally be gone from that place.’
‘My how the time has passed. What are your plans for the next two weeks?’
‘Working there as little as possible.’
‘You going to do one of those big goodbye emails?’
‘Na.. The few people who I know will already know.’
‘oh’ I remember staring into my cup of fruity mush.
‘Is something wrong?’
‘Ok there is something wrong.’
‘What is it? Do you wish you were leaving the place also?’
‘Somewhat but for different reasons.’
‘Why don’t you go apply elsewhere?’
‘um.. Ug… There’s other reasons.’
‘Such as…..?’
‘…’ The shocked look on her face as she looked back into my eyes.
‘If there was anything at all that I could say to keep you close I would have said it but over the past few weeks I have not found anything to say.’
‘No let me finish I should have said this a long time ago. Over the past few years I have grown to value your friendship greatly. When so many of my other friends and coworkers have let me down or betrayed me you have always been there to talk to. The many nights of speaking and the random hello have meant a lot to me. The movies and the various little luncheons we did together were the thousands of moments that fill my heart and mind. You appeal to me on so many different levels with your witty thoughts and intelligent conversation and views. I know I am not your equal but the thought of you leaving and not hearing from you is a difficult thought. In the past when you took your little 2 week vacations I held onto the hope that you were coming back and we could chat some more. This time you would have some stories or tale from another place outside of my reality. I know that you did not wish to make the place your reality and you appear to resent the people you work with there but I wish your future would include me as a friend or as something more. The more I think about it the more I realize that this goodbye will be permanent and I will not see you again. That does not set well on my heart. I never like loosing friends and I try hard to keep them as long as possible. I have no option though in this case. I wish you could stay or at least that you would understand what I said. I kept hoping I could see a glimpse of something in your eye that would tell me you felt as strong about this friendship but I have not seen it. If I am just a coworker or a random person in your life then I am sorry to burden you with this but I want you to know that your friendship has meant a great deal to me and I would do anything to keep it as such or to maintain it over a distance. However I cannot do such a thing alone and I need to know if you feel the same or if you do not. I do not wish to maintain a friendship over any distance one-sided. Oh well I’m sorry I will be quiet now..’
I remember the shocked look in her eye and it slowly softening into compassion then suddenly she stood up and walked away. I did not bother getting up or trying to keep her I just hope that she returns or gives me an answer.

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