Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I’ve been through this before. I know what is happening. With the early warning signs I can see it coming and I know I have time to prepare. What shall I do? What can you do to prepare yourself for your mind going insane? The delusions and figments that it conjures to create a new reality for you to exist in? I try to anchor myself using tape and a nail but that only gives me a moments reprieve. Blood dripping on the floor as I hurry over to my bookshelf and reach for something anything. Introduction to Nuclear Physics? I thought I boxed that up. Why is it sitting on my shelf. This will only force me to think abstract thoughts as the atom is not something I can grasp and use. My mind slowly wanders and a restaurant is created with tables and chairs. A bar in the corner attended by a young man wearing a cheap suit trying to look professional while he knows nothing of what he is doing. Have to distract myself away from this fantasy. No matter how delightful it looks I need to focus on reality. Greek cookbook.. Yes that should work as I reach for it and start flipping through the pages. Pictures of things that I can only think about and not do at the moment do not deter the visions. Suddenly a woman long since out of her prime starts singing a soft song in a corner accompanied by a old man with a saxophone. The lights are dimming and people start filling the seats until it is standing room only. I have to fight through the crowd to gain a small chair and a spot in the corner. I can’t believe the words spoken earlier by a friend effected me such. A simple statement now blown out of proportion. Delusions of grandeur as I slowly start creating a reality that my heart wishes to live in. She is setting on the chair looking up into my eyes. I am looking down upon her and do not wish to be in that position so I lean against the wall using her chair as a weight to stop my feet from sliding on the floor. We now look at each other at eye level. Out of the corner of my eye I see the smoke in the room filling up slowly. The seedy urban environment has been created both visually and audibly. That stage has been set and I forgot my lines. My old computer meeting with my foot as I did not see it sitting there on the floor. The poor thing has served me faithfully for many years and I carelessly set it aside when something quicker came out. It was not sitting there waiting for me to start it up again. Devoid of a hard drive or CDROM drive. It still had it’s old CPU that I had over-clocked to make it go faster. I bent down to pick it up and brought it to eye level to look inside.
‘The problem with Elvis is he just doesn’t really appeal to the intelligent side of folks. But the classics appeal to everyone.’
‘Have you listened to him at all or are you basing your judgment off of what you have heard and read?’
‘Little of both I do not have the desire to listen to such drivel.’
‘There is a concert in the city in a few weeks come with me and listen. Come with me and try it out perhaps you may like it.’
‘Where is it playing at?’
‘The Templeton. Down off Boardwalk.’
‘That’s owned by the Khrett’s how can you stand supporting them?’
‘I don’t like it but I want to see him. I don’t have a choice if I don’t see him when he is there.’
‘I think I will go is anyone else coming along?’
She looked away for a second while she mulled that over and took a sip of her coffee. I know she was just buying more time was there an ulterior motive behind all of this? The fan wasn’t working. I had plugged in everything and tried to start it up but the CPU fan did not wish to blow. It didn’t even suck it just did not work. I reach in to make sure the connection was tight and a sharp edge of the computer case grazes my skin. Leaving a red line an inch big across my arm. The pain allows me to focus on the task at hand but the slow buildup of blood threaten to drop off onto the motherboard. I pull my arm back carefully and walk off to get something to soak up the blood. This leaves me with nothing to do while I sit and wait for it to clot up. She looks me straight in the eyes as if she is unaware of the moments that have passed us by. The thousand heartbeats, the hopes, and the dreams that were created and crushed while I waited.
‘I haven’t asked anyone else yet.’
‘Somehow among our group of friends I don’t think anyone else would come along.’
‘I want to see the show.’
‘I shall go with you then and better make a decision on him then.’ Also I wish to spend more time with you to determine if there can be anything more than this friendship. I stare into your eyes and ponder if you are questioning the same thing or is my internal conflict completely invisible to you. Can you see the moments that pass where I look at your eyes and the question on my face that reflects my heart? Can’t you see the structure of pride blocking me from pursuing this further without more inference? More idle chatter as we discuss music and other random things. We could sit and talk all night and nothing would really get said. The blood stopped flowing and I am now able to correct the fan. The plug was not in correctly. I put it in and start up the computer and it gives me a nice gentle hum. The monitor lights up as it reports a general diagnostic informing me it was angry it took so long to use it again. Millions of clock cycles that occur while it sat there doing nothing except keeping the time. The same is reflected inside me while my heart beats between breathes as I try to inhale the moment the need to live in this moment and ignore anything else. Knowing that in a few minutes it will be gone and my reality will shatter. The delusion will fade and the steps I took to prepare for this to prevent this will come crashing down as I realize my failure. I still got caught up in it despite all my protections and attempts to dissuade my heart and mind from pursuing this path. I failed and I am left with the same feeling of emptiness that always occurs. The feeling increases to an unbearable amount as I realize I am nothing more than a friend and I will never be anything more. The only break in the emptiness is the moment of pain from the cut in my arm as reality calls me back.

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