Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I have reasons for 90% of the things that I do. Sometimes people do not understand nor know the reasons. There are few things I keep secret to myself and wish none to know. There are few requests that I ask of people regarding myself. Sometimes I wish my friends will respect my decision and drop a subject. If they do not are they really my friends or do they just not realize the damage that could be caused? I will never know.

How did I end up in my car? I remember sitting at home listening to some music and pondering something I read online. What did I read? Time seemed to blur reality as I must have gotten up and went out to my car. I remember sitting down in the front seat and started it up. Perhaps it was another memory of me getting into the car that my mind is using to replace the blank moment. So I am out on a road somewhere driving fast in the night. The CD is playing something depressing but for some reason I am angry. Why am I angry? I remember telling myself that I would never drive angry again. I remember that promise exactly and the day I took it. Why am I driving now I feel the gas pedal go down a bit further as I press it. Feeling separated from my body I kind of float and watch me drive the car. Pulling a corner without slowing down enough. The sound of tires squealing and the car groaning in anger. I close my eyes and know I am no longer in control. I focus on the thought or event that would cause myself to go into such a rage. I remember a night of people sitting together. We get together every Wednesday night for food and company. I remember eating some food and overall enjoying myself. Then someone mentioned a date. The group gets silent and they all look at me. All their faces smiling like they knew a secret I had kept and they were so proud of themselves. I look up at the person who said it and I remember asking, ‘What would make you think your correct with that date?’ I remember feeling so angry at these people. My friends why would they not just let it be? Why must they pursue this? One of the very few things I request of them and they trample my wishes like elephants in a field of flowers. The response comes back with a giggle as if it took some great feat to discover that date. ‘I asked a friend in HR. They looked it up and told me. That’s your birthday right? Why did you not tell us?’

I don’t remember if I said anything. Again time became a blur and reality distorted and I end up in my car. I remember starting it up and leaving their house. Not in anger but just leaving because I wished to be alone. I head on home, then park, and enter my house. I remember sitting at my computer starting up some music when they called, ‘Why did you leave? What is wrong?’ Blank spaces appear in my mind when I ponder what responses I gave them. I could think of a hundred retorts for their questions many of them painful and filled with hate. I do not know which I gave them. It is then I remember sitting in my car. Driving fast into a black cloak that covers everything. My lights showing me the road and my fog lights showing that which is beyond the road. My speed increases and I know if a cop catches me I will get my car towed. A warning buzzer kicks in at my car gets closer to redlining. This is the fastest I have ever gone. Driving away from my friends. Should I even bother calling them that? There are very few things I keep secret about myself. There are very few things I will not discuss with them. I ask so little or at least from my end. I try to give them so much but they seemed to want more. I often try to respect their wishes why the fuck can they not respect mine. The buzzer continues and I am finally back in control of my body. It does not matter anymore though. Now I am angry to the core. Filled with violence and hate that has been waiting for this moment. Filled with memories and pent up anger that I held onto inside my heart. I push further on the gas pedal and turn up the music. I know what is coming next. I saw it coming a long time ago when I realized I would die alone in my car. There have been warning signs that I saw and ignored. My whole life has been leading up to this. I hope the wall will always stand as a testament that some things should be left alone and some wishes respected.

I remember being happy. I remember being filled with joy. I remember a moment of peace. The wall will remember my car hitting it head-on at 103mph. My circle of friends will remember my calm face as I walked out without saying goodbye. I will remember anger and rage consuming my soul.