Friday, March 12, 2004

I have been trying to write better dialogue. It is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Perhaps I just make it tougher than it should be. I do not know.

Headphones pulsing as the music hits my ears. It was going to be a dull day but things have started to pick up. So glad I picked up this mp3 player when I had the chance. Now standing here watching the world while everything is on mute so I can hear my own tune. The first line had already passed by. The theme song to my life while I stand here watching the world around me.

“Remember me when you're the one you always dreamed”

A moment later the chorus picks up a keyboard is heard in the background. I remember hearing this song a few hours ago. I heard it on the radio but only caught the remember me part and did a search online for it. Now I have heard it all the way through a few times I realize the impact it was making. I remembered her sitting there at her house all alone. I picked up my phone to give her a call. It has been 4 years would she even remember me like I remember her? Closure is what I want will this achieve it? Reaching over to my phone I picked it up and started dialing the number. The music playing in the background of my mind. The ringing of the phone on the other end built up the anticipation of it all.

“Hello?” She answered with her wonderful southern accent.
“Hi my name is Ed. I was thinking about you and wanted to call and talk.”
“Ed? I don’t know an Ed. Are you sure you have the right number?”
“Oh I also am known as Kasmiur. I went out and visited about 4 years ago.”
“Oh my. Kas I thought I would never hear from you again. How are you doing. I am sorry about that night.”
“No worries how are you doing of late?”
“I am doing ok just sitting here waiting for my ride to show up. My mom is going to take me out to dinner.”
“What happened to your car? Don’t you still have it?”
“Don’t you remember?”
“No I don’t sorry. There was actually a lot that I do not know because you never called.”
“I’m sorry I did not realize. Why did you leave that afternoon? I thought you were not to head back for a few more days.”
“Well that night after you did not return I heard nothing and your roommate did not know anything so she asked me to go. “
“What happened that night Tracy? I have pondered it for a few years and I am no longer angry but could you tell me why you did not return? Was it something I did wrong?”
“Um… It is rather hard to talk about. I would prefer to not discuss it.”

What she did not want to talk about it. I remember this really made me mad though I thought I was completely over it.

“Why can’t you tell me? I traveled 1900 miles to see you and then after a day and half you get the fuck up and leave in the middle of the night. You leave me there standing outside across the country in the night to visit your ex and you cannot give me a simple explanation. I want to know why I waited 10 hours wandering the streets for. I want to know why I had to ride back home in a bus and fight depression because of no word from you.”
“I went out to meet him to keep him from seeing you. I thought he would hurt you. When I got out there he hit me and knocked me out. I then woke up in the hospital a few days later. They found me on the side of a road with my cloths ripped off. You had left and my roommate said you were upset. I thought you were mad at me.”
“Sorry when your roommate said you had moved out I thought you had moved in with him. I’m sorry I did not look past my own insecurities.”
“It is ok. Perhaps you can visit again this time I wont run out on you. I can’t actually because I have been in a wheel chair for the past four years. “
“Oh I understand now about the ride thing. Sorry to hear about that. Also sorry for getting upset I really was hurt that night.”
“My ride is here call me again sometime.”

She hung up and was gone. I sat there holding my phone wondering what it felt like on her end lying there after being raped and beaten. Then partially ran over. Laying there that cold night while on the other end of town someone who cared for you wandered thinking he did something wrong. I pondered the years of regret she felt and how much pain she harbored towards me. I then realized all my fears and thoughts that night was nothing more than my own imagination.

“Remember me.. “

Such a sad song that I was listening to. It appeared to be the song for my life. Constantly remembering people who I have left or those who left me. Remembering the moments like a obscene dream as I try to grasp the enjoyable moments.

The track switched and another song came on. I grabbed my mp3 player to ponder this days events while wandering. Listening to the music I traveled a good distance and ended up inside a tall building. Taking steps up in tune with the beat I quickly arrive to the roof. Standing there with the world on mute as my song played. I know now I will never be happy as my fears will always win against my hopes. How many more loves or possible loves will I lose because of those fears? How much more pain will I take. I could just forget loving entirely. As soon as I start to care for someone the fears will start working against my heart and soon I will find myself in the same position.

Standing there on the roof listening to my music I take a step forward to changing my life. I take another step towards removing all my fears and doubts. The last step I take I feel the air rush through my hair as I sing along to the song. Eyes closed to not see the ground rushing up at me.

“Remember me when you're the one you always dreamed”