Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Sunday I went to a fetish ball. It wasn’t really a ball more like a gallery so people could put on display their lifestyle or put forth an image of what they wish to be. People dressed up as idols or dreams. Hope put forth by some guys seeking attention or to catch the eye of a woman or another man. Women dressing themselves up to be appealing or mysterious. Sometimes either dress up in very little or they dress up so far the only sight you see of them is their eyes out from under layers of black or white makeup. I went to this with friends who wished to see how the scene was. I had my reasons for going but for the most part I went for observation and for entertainment. The main theme of the night was S&M or Sadism & Masochism. My own history being that I have masochistic tendencies that I keep only to myself nurturing my own inner sadist. So I went along to watch. To observe and see what I found out regarding my two friends and other people in the area. It was a dark and smoky place that brought back memories of the past to my mind. The smoke made my eyes water while the memories made my silent. Sitting in the background watching is a pastime of mine. Ranging from watching people out of the corner of my eye while reading a book or just observing society in general. Storing a bit here and there for future ideas and writing concepts this place gave me lots to use. From a girl wearing nothing more than two leaves carefully glued and a rubber snake to cover her top while a short skirt covered her bottom. To someone wrapped up almost completely in leather leaving everything up to the imagination. The culture of Goth has grown greatly since its humble beginnings. Now its mass marketed and has a chain of stores in the malls everywhere. For a moment I wondered if the S&M culture would also grow like that too. Will we soon be able to buy at Wal-mart a pair of handcuffs complete with a leather whip? Will they have in the toy section ‘Betsy’s First S&M kit?’ How long till it becomes customary to hit your lover playfully with a whip before a passionate session? How long till its out in the open and everyone is doing it on some level or another? While people fake it and gently tap each other to add a bit of spice to those who whip each other and leave welts that disappear in a few days? At the other end of the spectrum you have those who take razorblades and draw lines of blood and pain across their skin so they may enjoy the sensation with their lover in a twist of sin. What draws the line though or will it become an all accepting culture open from one to all. From Billy the boy scout to Sally the local slut. I imagine it is good overall but it still seems sad as it is an end of a time that once existed where such was held privately and the only ones taking part were the two who were sharing the experience.
So I stand there a crowd of people bunched around me. The room was tightly packed so much I was pushed against the corner. Someone near me kept me from poking my head completely around the corner so I stood there watching with one eye. I felt like I was a trespasser onto someone else’s ecstasy. I was felt so dirty not because I was watching an act that is in general looked down upon by Christian society but I felt dirty because I dared to watch something that is private to others. How would someone who practiced S&M feel with me watching there like they were zoo animals waiting for their food. I stood there watching helpless to my own desires. I wanted to leave but I could not remove my eyes from the gentle caresses of leather against the skin. I could not pull away from the look of care that was in the eyes of those wielding the whip. I stood there watching basking in my own filth knowing I should be ashamed for this voyeuristic act. I should be ashamed for not doing it myself. I should have went a go and let someone whip me or whip someone else but the S&M thing is about trust and I sadly do not trust myself nor anyone else at this point. As I watched and my friends looked at me when they were done doing it I wondered if they could see beyond my façade and see the me underneath. I knew though such an act does not make one super powered and they could not but I felt shamed that I came with them and instead of taking part of the whole party I stood back and watched. I felt ashamed I was a trespasser on this culture that embodies trust between two people. I was a voyeur upon their world and instead of taking a step out and say Hey this is part of me too I shrank back and hid behind clouds of smoke and dark lights. So much happened that night so much sensations both inside and out. New things were all around and new things were felt. Like that moment though rather than coming out and say something I hide behind my façade. I will never be a part of such because one cannot trust others fully unless you present real self and remove any masks hiding your heart.

No comments: