Monday, November 15, 2004

So tonight ends a week of disappointments. I get paid and realize that the amount I pulled in sadly pales in comparison to what I owe. I want to do so much more but funds are lacking. Pondering a part time job of sorts. Who knows. Also tonight marks a night where I censure myself for various reasons that I will keep to myself. Thoughts and feelings that have occurred which trouble me deeply and make me ponder what paths will be chosen during 2005. Family members who make mistakes or screw up royally and I get to hear about it through my mother. I want to be there for my family but often I have to choose either friends or family. If I choose family it involves a monetary expenditure and a small amount of risk both legally and financially if my car breaks down. In the past quite often I have chosen my friends. It bothers me to think that I have turned out like my father. My mother named me after him because I was his first born. Now I wonder if I am living up to the name with my deeds. Though I choose my friends because it is the path of least resistance. it is the easy choice. I should not talk about self-improvement unless this is an aspect I am working on. Either way here is something I wrote that is completely different from my current line of thought. It is removed from anything that has anything to do with me. It is something I wrote because I did not want to write about something else. Sorry.

The warmth of the car fading as I sit in the drivers seat. Looking at the front of my house I notice that there are no lights on. Nor is her car in the driveway. Weird, she is always home before me. She is always there for me when I got off work. I remember the short conversation today during my lunch break that was interrupted by my boss. I had to cut her off in the middle of a heated discussion. It bordered almost an argument. I wonder is she took my having to go the wrong way. Sitting there in my rapidly getting cold car I almost am afraid of going inside the house. What will I find. Will she come home tonight? Should I stay up. So many thoughts fill my mind just off a simple assumption. I guess I should not assume anything. Who knows perhaps she went to the store. I get out of my car mist forming in the air as I breathe. I close the car door and lock it remotely while walking to the doorway. I grasp the knob and it chills my hand as it is cold. I attempt to turn it and find out it is locked. I pull out my keys and shiver a moment as cold sinks deeper into my hand while I insert the key into the door. A turn and it unlocks and opens. I pull my key out and enter the building. I flick a light switch to avoid tripping. The warmth wraps around me as I head into the kitchen. I press the answering machine button while I pass by it still heading towards the kitchen. A day of work and no food leaves me hungry. While I stand there searching the refrigerator for nourishment the answering machine gives me a sad, ‘No New Messages’. I reheat some leftover spaghetti and throw a slice of cheese on top. While its doing its laps in the microwave I wander to the dining table to check if any mail was there. A few bills keep me occupied before a ding informs me that my food is done. I pull it out and eat it while watching the news on TV.

So many different little activities that I do to keep my mind off the topic that concerns me the most. Where was she. Why did she not leave a message on the answering machine? Is she ok? While worry is pushed in back of my mind I gather up my mess and then head into the bedroom. Perhaps I should sleep on the couch so when she returns I will wake up. Perhaps I should leave blankets on the couch so she wont wake me up? That would seem selfish. Ug I will just go to bed and hope she wakes me. While I busy myself in the bathroom I come out and notice a piece of paper on the pillow. I bend down and read it. The words slowly come but as I keep reading it goes quicker. She said that this has all been progressional. Why did I not see it coming. Looks like I am sleeping alone tonight.

No comments: