Monday, November 22, 2004

Again I find myself sitting in front of a white screen that is void of reality. This canvas that I can create a new reality upon with ease. The fabric of fantasy that I slowly caress while I envision a new picture to paint with words. I could sit here and write about things that happened today, yesterday, or will happen tomorrow. I could command words to paint an accurate picture of what is to come. I could write about confusion over certain events that would mean nothing to anyone else except me or perhaps another. The circles my mind travels as I pursue a chain of thought. The unnerving rattle in my car, the aggravating friends who have been expecting a game to come out plan on dropping their lives for it. The cancellation of something important for the desires of a few. Plans have been made that will now be changed due to whim. I like plans. I like schedules. It gives structure and form to what otherwise would be a void called the future. It allows me to look on a piece of paper or to conjure up in my mind something that is set and is planned for. It gives me something to look forward to. Something to weave my life around and to basis my upcoming days upon. The past has given me weeks of gaming right on schedule. Months of structure that was followed. It turned into habit now that structure is disappearing and it frightens me like a little boy hearing thunder in the distance and is now hiding under his bed. It makes me shiver like a long run-on sentence that I have no way of correctly stating otherwise. I like structure. There is a structure in my heart. It is a large wall that has been built up over the years. Fortifications planted deep that help separate me from others to prevent pain. Something to counterbalance the chaos that controls my soul and clouds my mind. So I sit here trying to write about the things that concern me and the most often thing that appears is a simple memory. It has happened before in the past quite often. A simple act and a voice inside of my head telling me this is how it started in the past. I looked a little too deep into such things and I have been keeping myself from looking into this act any deeper. It was a simple act of kindness. A simple thank you. No matter how much I tell myself it meant nothing more I cannot remove the feeling of disappointment. I look deeper and cannot cipher what I want. Maybe she will read into this. Perhaps the writing on the walls will appear and she will read it out clearly. I could pursue my logic until I follow the same path a million times. From what I can tell what I do really want is a friend.

It would be easier if my goals and desires were set in stone so I had something to pursue. Sadly I don’t look that far ahead. Short term goals are simple enough. 1. Survive the Holidays with the family and the possibly meeting of old friends. 2. Survive the loss of social gatherings in large quantity. Learn to enjoy the little I get and treasure the memories until it picks back up again. 3. Work on fixing the things that I can fix and try to not dwell on those I cannot. 4. Gather ones thoughts before speaking or writing. Often people get lose in the translation as my thoughts to not convey into speech in their pure form. Work on reducing the amount of incoherent babble that comes out before intelligence rears its ugly head.

Surviving the holidays with the family should be easy enough. I can just spend less time by reducing the length of the visit or reducing the amount of visits. This would save money and heartache and sorrow. The less I hear the less it would bug me? Perhaps the less I hear the more it would bother me each time? Less time during visits sounds good thought. This would also reduce the chance of meeting up with old friends. The one who I have been avoiding by neither calling or making any attempt to visit. Why do I do such a thing? I wish to not interfere with her life. Also I figure if she needs me she can call me. She knows my number but I doubt she ever will. Perhaps it is time to close that book in my life and set it somewhere dark and secretive where no one will ever open it again. Some things even if they are good are perhaps best forgotten so they do not cast a shadow over future good things. I can delude myself and say Hey she will call me if she needs me. I know though that she does not need me. It was always I needed her. Even if she did need someone I would be close to the last person she would contact. There are many others that she cares more for than me. That is just a fact importunely.

Surviving the loss of social gatherings should be easily overcome by gaining more independence. I need to go out and do things alone and this gives me the prefect opportunity. This gives me the chance to try and meet new people or to learn more about others in the group who are not going to be playing the game. I need to not focus too much of the extra attention on some people though otherwise could scare them off for good. Why does this make me feel quite pathetic. Other option is to give in and start playing the stupid game risking falling into the trap I have feel into in the past. I doubt my will is strong enough to emerge this time.

Working on fixing the things that I can fix and not to dwell is also a tough one. It is often easier to reflect on the impossible tasks ahead instead of focusing on the easier tasks. Reflection on the tougher tasks end up with one doing nothing at all except dreaming. It is usually easier to dream than to do. Simply put I must dream less and focus on reality.

Last of all the gathering of ones thoughts into more comprehensive patterns and groups before I start to speak or write. Heck I doubt that will ever truly happen. I can work at it a little but know that my efforts will be wasted. This would definitely fall under the impossible tasks that are easier to dream about than to actually do. Looking at the past page or so of text proves my point. Perhaps instead it proves my unwillingness to change that part of myself. Who knows? I have decided one thing tonight about what I want. I will leave the rest for another night.

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