Thursday, February 19, 2004

It has been a long time since I listened to this CD. I often avoid it because I know what it will bring when I play it. Some people avoid playing contact sports because they know they will get hurt. I avoid playing it because I know it will bring back the hurt. So in the theme of Tori Amos's CD Little Earthquakes here is something fictional but strikes close to home.

The door closed and the music inside the car ceased to invade my mind. I closed the door to her car but also I feel that I closed it to our friendship. It was another day that we went out for lunch and talked afterwards. Another day that ended up with us kissing exploring a part of the friendship we never tried to pursue. This time it was forbidden though. She had been dating this guy for a while. I should have saw it coming. I should have known that she would have to choose between him and me. The thought that she would choose him hurts but I was dealing with it in my own way. Now after that session we decided we would not talk about it so that it would remain a good memory. To let the hurt and guilt fill the silence that will enclose us after we part. To let the doubt and questions keep our minds busy while we go on with our lives. When is she going to make up her mind? Perhaps she already has and I am just something she does out of pity. I think that hurts the most. The thought that she only keeps me around or visits because of pity. I do not want her pity. I want her to love me, as I love her. I do not wish to share her though with some other guy. So I stood there watching her drive off. She said she would call me in a few days. Somehow I doubt that. Already the doubt and guilt fill my mind. What hurt did I cause her? How does she fill now that she has cheated on her boyfriend? How will she deal with the guilt that I have now helped cause? I imagine it will be a hard week for her. I doubt I will get the call perhaps I shall give her some time. How long would be right though. All these thoughts filling my mind as I walk back into my house and go to my room. I put on some music to listen to while surfing the web. A moment later I pulled up an old document that I read once in a while. It was some of her old letters to me. The friendship we once had the memories that keep me wanting her now. I read through the letters and remember a day so long ago. The one where I found out that she was dating this guy. I knew him a bit and knew his personality. Perhaps he and I were so alike and that is why I disliked him. Perhaps I just saw a side of him that she did not. Either way I remember the long conversations we had over coffee. I remember the times afterwards where she told me about the problems they had. I remember so much when it comes to trying to make myself feel depressed. The track changes and little earthquakes comes up. The slow lyrics and beating with the overall theme was pulling me down further. Hearing this I reach on my desk for my pocketknife. Pain filling up my ears and my heart. Memories of sweet moments filling my mind as a knife fill my hand. Soon more pain fills my body as blood runs down my arm. More pain filling my heart as blood fills my hand. Watching it seep slowly into a small pool as I close my eyes to help the music sink deeper into my psyche. The track ends and the pain still lingers. The blood dries and the body responds in its own way to the pain. Soon rapid but temporary relief follows. The moment is lost but is almost revelatory as my mind quickly clears. I whip out some cleaning pads and Band-Aids to cover them up. Quickly rub some healing solution to prevent scarring and prevent infection. The songs have ended and the silence was filled. Still I am left to ponder my next step. Perhaps I will be forced to do nothing. As hard as it is I think she just needs time. I also need time to remember she choose him not me.