Saturday, February 14, 2004

I never liked today. In the past the day has never brought me good luck. This year it came up on me quickly and was met with a flood of memories. To sit quietly and suddenly be thrust into the emotions I thought long since gone. To sit and remember a day like it was just a few days ago. I know the years have gone by and I know these are nothing but memories but they still bring back the same old pain. The same old hurt. The one I know oh so well. Most people react the same way too emotional pain. There are those who react differently. Ranging from those who simply repress it or lash out in anger. Then the other end of the spectrum where you have your borderline personalities and Self-Mutilation. Since it is the day I figured I would try and see if I can get a page or two out of it all. As the memories are still fresh and the blood is almost still wet. So lets dig further.

Another cold day. Like so many other days except this one choose to rain today. The clouds had been puffed up for a few hours waiting for the moment to start. I remember standing there at the porch waiting for her to come home. Have been there for 20 minutes waiting silently like I have in the past. I know there is a chance she may stay late at work to get some overtime in. I know there is a good chance she may not arrive at all. In my own way though I know that I stand here as a testament of my love. The clouds gathered a bit more seeking the best angle to dump more water on me. I looked up and remember it hitting my glasses with little splatters then dripping off to run onto my face. As the time passed by the rain mixed in with my tears as I realize she was not coming home tonight. I realized that my standing here was useless. No one would know my feeling except me. The moments that I let pass by in the past have now taken their toll. To hide a secret so powerful for so long away from her. Keeping the knowledge within myself that I only want her in my life was slowly killing me. I knew it was the day to tell her but never took into account that she may never show. So I stood there looking like a fool soaked to the bone holding a simple rose. I felt a little sad for the rose. It would suffer the most. It had been bred and raised it's whole life to be given to someone in love. Now I had denied it even the simplest of things. It was to be a gift and I turned it into a piece of trash that would be thrown away once I got back home. Still I stood there waiting for her. How long was I going to wait I did not know. How much longer would I wait overall before I told her? That I also did not know. The days had passed me by yet providing no answers to my questions. The words we had shared late at night while cuddling warm cups of coffee were many. What in substance did we say though? What words did we say that mattered to the other? I could sit and talk to her for hours on end but yet to say even the simplest word and tell her my feelings. I doubt I could have even tried spelling it out in one of our many games of scrabble.

I the master in my own mind of controlling myself cannot give myself the simplest of commands. Still standing there as the clouds keep pouring on me. The puddle beneath me growing slowly. The rain from the sky mixing with the tears from my eyes. Another 5 minutes pass by and despair starts to set in. How long have I been standing here waiting? How long have I been living waiting for the moment? I reach into my coat to pull out my watch and stare at the second hand passes by. It has only been 54minutes that I have been waiting. I quickly stuff it back into my coat so it won’t get wet. A slow sigh and I lean back up against the wall. Stare up again at the clouds as the rain has stopped for a bit. A moments respite for my wet body. No respite for my heart though. A car comes up in the distance. The lights are turned on and it slows down as it approaches. It stops and she gets out. A walk that takes a few minutes in my mind. I try to remember every moment so I can recall this day in the future. She looks at me with a question but says nothing. At her door she pulls out her keys and opens it. A moment later she steps inside and calls out to me, 'Are you coming inside?' A quick breath as my hand goes out to the bush nearby. A quick flick of the wrist sends the rose into it. 'Yeah just admiring the weather' my response as I step inside the door. I hang up my coat and take a look at the rose lying there wasted on the ground. I know I do not need a rose to tell her my feelings. I need the courage to accept what she will say after I tell her. I need the strength to hold myself together if she does not care that much for me. I close the door and head up knowing a hot pot of coffee will await me. The verbal battles we will endure tonight and perhaps a game of chess. The friendship matters to me so much I can let the silence continue for a bit longer. I can allow the pain inside to keep hurting for the warmth of our friendship soothes it. As I get to her she gives me a quick hug and I hold her tight for a moment. All the things that I suffer for I know I suffer because of my choices. Just tonight is going to be another night and some other night I will let her in on my secret. Also giving myself a mental note to grab the rose on my way home so she will never know the struggle I am going through.