There are permanent marks of hatred on my skin.  Absentmindedly I trace some of them with my fingers.  Some of them hold a memory.  Tonight I caught myself rubbing one and I remembered. 

Joel came home that night from work.  Out in front of the house there was a familiar car.  A little red dodge neon.  What is it doing here?  He put his car into park and started walking towards the door.  As he got nearer he saw the door was open and could hear laugher inside.  Slowly he opened the door as if waiting for a big surprise to appear.  None came as he entered the house slowly.  Off in the dining room there was Sara and James talking.  He had not seen Sara for a week.  It was almost three weeks since they ceased any extra friendship activities.  Why was she here was the question.
'What's going on guys?' Joel asked.'Nothing much James was telling me about a customer he dealt with at work.' Sara looked at him as she replied.  Joel kept searching her eyes to find out what was going on but found no answer.  She quickly turned her head back to James to hear the rest of his tale. 
Joel not wishing to interfere with anything started towards his room with a curt, 'I'll be in my room.'He entered his room and closed the door behind him.  Sat down at his desk and started up his computer.  Slipping on a pair of headphones he loaded up a music program and started catching up on the day's news.  While he read the news the occasional memory overwhelmed him and he remembered why Sara and he ceased.  He told her that he was growing attached and wished to be more than friends are.  She said she cared for him but wanted to remain friends.  She stopped calling and being around when he was going to a club.  He just let it drop and figured she would contact him when she was ready.  Now she was here at his house talking to his roommate like they were old friends.  Did she not remember when he told her what an asshole his roommate was?  Many nights when he left the house angry with his roommate she was on the receiving end of the conversation.  When he was finished reading the news and such he noticed an open window on the spare computer next to him.  Mostly he kept it running as a server and for testing network protocols but it appears his roommate forgot to shut down the extra window.  He leaned over and grabbed the mouse.  Clicked on the icon to close it and noticed it was the email program.  He went to close it and saw several emails between Sara and James.  Fighting an evil thought he went and closed it.  Suddenly the pieces fell together.  They talked over email and decided to do dinner together.  Oh well as long as he stayed in his room he would not have to deal with them at all.  If they needed him they knew where he was and if they wished for him to be included they can come get me.  The thoughts of making excuses to do nothing but sit and play a game or two easily outnumbered the thoughts of confronting them.  There will always be tomorrow. 
After a few hours of passing by the time he powered off his computer and started heading to his bed.  Once the computer's fans were off he lay there in total silence for a bit.  Closing his eyes he started to drift off into sleep.  Suddenly a small moan pieced the air.  Then a grunt.  Another moan and it established a pattern that filled the air and was more noticeable without any other sounds to interfere.  Joel sat there listening to their lovemaking for a minute and then got up.  Quickly putting on a shirt and some pants he headed out to the living room.  Once he got out of his room the sounds of the two were louder and he saw they had left the door open.  Closing his eyes and breathing deeply he continued forward to the door.  Quickly putting on his shoes he silently left the house. 
In the room with Sara and James they paused for a moment in their passion as they heard squealing of tires as rubber was burnt off into permanent marks of hatred on the street.

I miss online access.  So in preparation of moving we dropped online and cable TV.  Online was my main source of entertainment and communication.  I would chat with people from around the world each night like I have been doing for in some cases 5 years and in other cases 6 or 7.  These people it has become a ritual to login and say hello.  Now that ritual is slightly interrupted.  I remember late nights discussing food to a card game and things to drive your roommates crazy.  Even the occasional voice and or video chat.  So many things to bring people close and make the world seem like it is not that big of a place.  These people were a part of my life.  Sometimes I could go a week and say more words to someone in Australia than I would to my mom.  It would go in waves where I would not chat with someone for a month and then the next week we would catch up.  Lacking online access in the privacy of my own home and not being able to login late at night when the rest of them did makes me feel even more alone.  Suddenly I am without.  I have lost so much more than just a mode of entertainment.  I have been cut off of my friends.  I can still send emails from work to them but it is like writing a letter and mailing it.  It just does not compare to instant messaging at your fingertips.  I miss my friends.

Passionate words at midnight.  Getting soaked in the rain while strange sounds emerge.  We speak in tongues that no one around except us can apparently understand.  The moment of realization the connection felt so afraid of losing this moment.  Nothing else matters while we struggle to keep this hanging in the balance.  The realization that we are not alone in life the possibility staggering while we realize there is something there connecting us.  Drops of rain soaking into our cloths while we get closer.  The occasional twinkle in the raindrop as a car passes by we ignore while staring deep into each other's eyes.  So close and so strong the connection.  Our heads moving closer together as sparks leap from the ends of our hair to each other trying to draw us closer.  Words hurried as we both see this coming and want to speak before our breath is taken away.  Our lips touch and the moment is lost.  We stand there staring at each other pondering what happened, realizing that something wonderful has been lost but not sure how to regain it.  'So um dinner was nice. I will see you around I guess.' 'Yeah thanks.  See you around.'  We both hurry back to our respective cars and drive off having woken up from the brief dream we both shared.

For a D&D game I created this NPC by the name of Shamus. In doing so with the stats I came up with a short background for him. I keep pondering adding to it or changing it a bit. I figure I will post the orginal here then when I do modify it will post that also. Otherwise enjoy.

Born a farmer Shamus worked most of his young life. Then one day while plowing a field a group of people carrying weapons and dressed in armor hailed him. As he got closer this young 16 year old boy stared in awe at these people. One of them approached him with a huge sword on his back. This man asked him where he could find the inn. Shamus pointed out the direction of the town and they set off. The man gave him a gold coin. Shamus never spent that coin. He ended up drilling a hole in it and wearing it on his neck for a week. Then one day while at the town getting supplies for his family he saw the group reenter the town. This time they were carrying a few bodies of their dead. Later that night he could not sleep he crept into the town to see if he could hear some stories. As he got closer he noticed on the road there appeared to be a large group moving towards the town. As he got closer he saw a large force of ugly humans with tusks. He later learned these were orcs. He quickly ran to the inn and woke up everyone. The battle that came afterwards left many townsfolk dead. A few more of the strange group was also dead. All the attacking orcs were killed. The townsfolk thinking the group brought this upon them told them all to leave. Shamus defended the group stating the orcs were always there and would have attacked anyways. The group ended up leaving only 3 out of the original 8. Shamus left with them. As he met with them that night the leader named Krim gave him a shortsword and started practicing with him. Krim saw the natural talent of this young man and worked with him on improving it. After a few weeks of training Shamus could force a draw. A few more weeks beyond that and Krim could not even defeat him. During this time the group grew a bit to 7 people and they were hired out for various activities. One such time they were hired for strongarm tactics and one of the group members killed a young child. During this Krim and Shamus grew outraged. Krim drew his bastard sword and as it dripped acid blood he killed everyone in the group except Shamus. At the end of the battle they were approached by a man in platemail. This man offered them both something they did not have. The man lead them to Taigen. There they joined a group called the Order of the Phoenix. This group found those who were lost in the darkness of life. They would show these people that there is light and goodness still in the world. Krim joined them and Shamus followed. Both took vows to never let vengeance rule their heart. Krim put his sword into its scabbard and promised Shamus that the old Krim was gone and would never return. These two then went around and fought against many evil together. After some time together Krim told Shamus of his intent to go back home and see how things are going. Shamus agreed to not follow him but told Krim to meet him back at Taigen soon so they can get their next set of orders. Krim went north to Kendrik and Shamus ventured into the Widow forest to see out the orc threat and find out why they were massing. After some weeks of no word Shamus got worried and traveled to Taigen. After getting there the priest met him at the gates and told him that Krim needed his friend quickly. The priest cast a spell to help Shamus get there swiftly. Shamus not knowing how to navigate from the sky missed Kendrik by a few miles and landed on the ground hard. Since his mount needed rest and healing he decided to camp the night. The next morning he headed out on the road seeking his lost friend.

More exercises in fiction as I work on conversations. So a fictional chat through some chat program.

ForeverK : Hello there how are you doing?
Saralost28 : Do I know you?
ForeverK : Not really sorry. I saw you had a personal add up. I figured I would say hello and chat...
Saralost28 : um.. ok
ForeverK : Hey looks I understand this is probably a bit weird. Sorry to have bothered you....
Seconds passed by as I stared at my computer screen. Idling surfing another web page while I waited for a response or for a simple goodbye.

Saralost28 : Hey don’t worry about it. I forgot I had one placed up. So I figure you have read mine and it puts you in a advantage can I read yours?

ForeverK : um ok I guess. let me get the link here..

ForeverK : try this.. it should work.. foreverk.freepersonals.com

Now I feel like I am holding my breath. These personals never really work out. After a few dates or even a few words I get the blow off. Why should I expect anything different? Why do I feel like I have invested so much into this one person. Heck I don’t even know who she is. For all I know she could be a he...

Saralost28 : So how long have you been a member of the site?
ForeverK : Probably about a year.
Saralost28 : Have you met any good people?
ForeverK : Lots of good people and some wonderful people but not someone truly special

Saralost28 : I know I could just look at your profile and find out the answer but I wish to ask instead just to see it from you rather than someone that was written a year or so ago..
ForeverK : um ok.. what do you wish to know?

Saralost28 : Do you like kids or ever want to have kids?
ForeverK : Yea I love kids. I spoil my niece and nephew often.. they are so much fun..

Saralost28 : Why don’t you smoke? and which do you prefer dog or cat?
ForeverK : I don’t smoke anymore because I did not like the idea of something controlling me when I was younger. I stopped and never got back into it as it held no lure for me... and I really have no preference between a dog or cat.. I like both equally

Saralost28 : No one can truly like both.. if you had to choose between one or the other which would you pick?
ForeverK : If I had to choose I would probably choose a dog as I can take it hiking with me..
Saralost28 : you answered that pretty quickly...
ForeverK : yeah.. I borrow a friends dog sometimes to have company when I go hiking or walking...
Saralost28 : that sounds almost pathetic.. Oh well. you don’t mind discussing life, the universe and everything?

ForeverK : I do not however if may often admit i am wrong just because I lack the knowledge in a certain area. But if it is something I know I can be quiet stubborn about it.
Saralost28 : do you prefer staying in on a Saturday or going out hiking or hanging out with friends..
ForeverK : It depends.. Sometimes I like to do any of those.. if I want to be alone or by myself or if I needed to be around people..
Saralost28 : I am looking for someone that is confidant but not overbearing..
ForeverK : I am neither of those.. i have some confidence but not complete in myself if that makes sense.

Saralost28 : What do you want out of life...
ForeverK : I am not sure what I want yet..
Saralost28 : what if I told you I need to have someone that knows what they want out of life..
ForeverK : I would still not be sure of what I want yet... I am not the man of your dreams and I doubt I will be. I just want to be a friend and hangout.. perhaps over time I can become something more but lets not think that far ahead...

Saralost28 : I understand. alright enough questions from me then...
ForeverK : Do you own a dog or a cat
Saralost28 : neither.. my lease does not allow pets.
ForeverK : why the question then?
Saralost28 : was curious what your answer was. I knew a guy who kept changing his mind to match what he thought I had. It was quite entertaining.

Quick witted and a sense of humor. She wasn't lying in her ad.

ForeverK : Poor guy.. did you tell him the truth in the end?
Saralost28 : na.. it was so funny..
ForeverK :I imagine he probably developed a complex.. perhaps you should warn the local pet store or animal shelter for psycho on the loose..

Saralost28 : So why the online dating thing?
ForeverK :I figured why not at least this way I don’t have to pay 3$ for watered down beer.. And you?
Saralost28 : It was on a lark.. got home one night after getting hit on by some losers at a gas station. I mean really.. pickup lines at the gas pump.. pu-leaze..
ForeverK :he he.. I can picture that now.. perhaps next time I pump gas I will have to try that.. 'Hey baby pumping 95 octane eh.. you must love your car'
Saralost28 : yeah excuse me while I gag
ForeverK : whoa I forgot they had the throwing up smiley now.
Saralost28 : really because now there is the occasion for it to be used..
ForeverK :
Saralost28 : wow that’s pretty gross..
ForeverK :yeah but definitely fits the moment eh
Saralost28 :
ForeverK :yeah.. it does.. So did you ever get your ignition problem fixed on your car?
Saralost28 : WTF!

Damn I should not have said that. Probably freaked her out or something now.

ForeverK :oh sorry.. before I chat with anyone I do a search on their user name.. Once ran into some white supremest woman who was pretty freaky... Sorry.. I found your post on a message board for the Ford Focus..

Saralost28 : that’s definitely creepy..
ForeverK :Yeah I take pills for that.. Tonight is extra creepy night tomorrow is placebo's though to balance it out..
Saralost28 : I ended up taking the car in.. hm... hang on..

Oh great now she is doing a search on my name. I hope she does not find my comment about rating operating systems by the number of stupid user calls I get at work. Perhaps I will direct her towards something a bit more lighthearted. Would hate to scare her away by some geekish stuff I post on the net.

ForeverK :I also go by the name Souldancer
Saralost28 : um.. how did you
ForeverK : took a guess.. you find anything cool?
Saralost28 : Yeah.. you have quiet the history.. and you drive a Kia!
ForeverK :Yeah it was cheap.. but it runs..
Saralost28 : man I wouldn't be caught dead in a Kia
ForeverK :Does that mean you will be picking me up?

Making fun of my car. Man she drives a focus. Hello kettle this is pot. Guess what? We're both black.

Saralost28 : What makes you think I would want to actually see you in person?
ForeverK :because I once posted a model's picture with my name attached to it and you probably already saw it.. so think I am some cute guy..

I wonder if she has found that picture.

Saralost28 : now your definitely creepy... How long are your placebo's?
ForeverK : only tomorrow then back to the regular dosage:-)

Saralost28 : 7pm work for you?

ForeverK :it will be wonderful..
Saralost28 : Where would you like to go...
ForeverK :lets start with dinner and go from there..
Saralost28 : um ok.. its late anyways email me your address and number... goodnight...
ForeverK :night

**SESSION CLOSED**

Well here goes nothing. I hope she keeps her sense of humor. I hope she was kidding about my Kia. I love my little car.




Sudden intake of breath as if a yawn is coming on.. Mid yawn as my lungs fill with air a thought overwhelms me and outcomes my emotions.

My mind likes playing tricks on me. An active imagination that runs wild. The vision of a spider slowly landing on my face while I am half asleep. The random flashing red light out of the corner of my eye then my mind adds a blue light to it. It feeds off my own fears and grows to gigantic proportions. Little things like the feeling of an ant or bug crawling on me or the water drop dripping down a shower curtain on the other side so it looks like a bug crawling down. Things that I can quickly see and dismiss though they give fright for a moment are not that bad. It is the things that I cannot so quickly dismiss. A sharp word that someone gives and it feels like something more. My imagination feeds off of it and twists it into something larger and more sinister. Most of the time I can ignore it as I am used to my own internal monologue of self doubt and paranoid schizophrenia. So easy to dismiss such things as I know who my friend are and just have to stop and reassure myself. The most deadly thing that it does is it twists simple things. An off hand compliment something like, ‘That’s a nice shirt’. Then suddenly I am bombarded by thoughts of interest or possibilities. Those I can dismiss but it requires a lot more work. It does however make me a bit oblivious towards such things. I question peoples motives when they say something nice and depending on the person my mind plays with it. I think its an effect of boredom or something. Like a computer that has excess clock cycles it uses those to do this. A simple phrase like, ‘Your cute’ and bang parts of me is ready to ponder what the real meaning behind that was. When I was younger in school kids made fun of my their taunting voices brought me down. Now that school is done with their voices still exist keeping me down. My mind likes playing tricks on me. Perhaps I will wake up and find out this is all just a cruel dream it played. To find myself still age 11 to live through all this all over again.

Its amazing how long 4 years is. Also never ceases to amaze me how quickly it went by. I was dwelling on that when I got up this morning. The events that stand out in my mind over the course of 4 years. I could compare it to a recovering alcoholic who binges and takes a few steps backwards then picks himself up and starts heading forward again. If I was to think hard on it I could narrow it down to the day. A bit more thought and an exact hour if needed. So much has changed but nothing important has. Only superficial changes and disguises fill my day as I am recovering. A.A. says to take it one day at a time or one step at a time I cannot remember. I should consider that my goal. One day at a time, but as I look back over the last year I did take it one day at a time. I have achieve nothing and have advanced little. Like one who’s trying to stay sober walking by a bar my mind strays. Friends help fill the hours but they cannot help me when I am alone. It is then I look in my mirror and see myself. Someone once asked to know more about me. To get more intimate as if I have kept my most deep thoughts hidden. How can I let someone understand me more when I do not truly understand myself. Sometimes in my dreams or in the mirror a stranger looks back at me. Other times a broken man glares back wondering what he will lose next. Hopes that are quick to rise are often pulled back down as swiftly. I cannot let my hopes get too high for I do not take disappointment too well. To expect nothing of others and myself though is not a way to live. A little over 1461 days. Over 400 of those days I have been in a holding pattern. Soon I will run out of fuel and I will be forced to make a change. I work towards ending it on my terms but often feel things get out of control. How long can I maintain what I have been doing? How long before that change? Will I ever know myself and understand things better? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? So many questions and so few answers. Abstract visions and paintings that give a glimpse of the future but nothing definite. My dreams continue to taunt me with things I cannot have. I may have failed in many tasks and dreams that I tried to complete. I will succeed in another though. I will try to let others get to know me. I will remove the barrier I erected to protect myself. I will return to being who I was and challenge that man in the mirror to speak otherwise I will not stare at him any longer.

Heaven is forbidden.
That is what my name means. In my native tongue it was a curse given to me by my father. A previous indiscretion by my mother. When he found out he wished to kill them both. The wiseman of the tribe convinced him otherwise. As it was not the time for violence. My life was spared and on the day of my birth the name given to me by my father was a curse. Heaven is forbidden to those with the mark on their body and to the one who bears it as a name I cannot foresee an afterlife.

Blissful sleep as my mind wanders and I dream. Moments of flying through my soul as I sort out the memories from fantasies. Random poetic metaphors appearing and rushing past my field of vision as subconscious tries to tell me something. Ranging from people I know with objects filling out their bodies instead of real bodies. To trees filled with dollar bills and being surrounded by a fence made of paper that says I must pay this much to enter. A do not pass go sign fighting against my get out of jail card. A highway made out of faces of people who I have left behind me as I drive down this road. It has been a month since I started living out of my car. I did it initially because I wanted to get away from a bad situation. Now I find myself saving up money for something I do not know while trying to keep peoples attention off the fact of where I sleep each night. Long drives through the mountains and on the highways after work as I drive tired trying to get to a place where I can rest safely. Not that I could not do that in town I just have to get away. As when I drive away I am keeping the fact I have no real place to call my own hidden from everyone. I am spending more and more time in this seat it seems. Less and less time sleeping though. The days of sitting in my car listening to music and those of driving on the highway blend into one. Now I am dreaming I am driving on a different type of highway. Up in the distance on my dream highway I see what appears to be a vehicle coming towards me. All I see are two headlights getting closer and closer. A sudden thought rushes into my mind. I fell asleep at the wheel! I need to wake up now and quickly pull out of the way of this oncoming truck! I wake up with a gasp for breathe while one foot pushes down on the break pedal and my hands turn the steering wheel to the right. As I am desperately trying to gain control of my car reality sinks in. Suddenly I see I am not on the road. I am parked in a parking lot. A police car has pulled in front of me. My heart slowly goes back to normal while I roll down my window to say hello to the officer.

“You need to move on you cannot stay here.”
Not one to argue I start up my car and drive off to find another place to park. I need to find a place to live as some day I will wake up from that dream and I will be staring into my death instead of an embarrassing moment.

A rather large cardboard box laying in the middle of the freeway. I sit and watch it wobble there as if the wind gently blows it around. Cars drive by purposefully missing it. Sitting there watching this box it takes me back a week ago when I observed something else.

I was driving along the freeway heading north when my car ran out of gas. I coasted to the side of the road and sat there waiting for the tow truck to arrive. Across the divided road with small concrete block positioned between the two directions I saw a young man standing on the opposite side looking at me. He was standing there holding a little paper bag. When there was a free moment he would run out into the road and drop the bag then run back to the side of the road. There he safely watched more cars drive by. Curious by this I got out of my car and waited until he ran out again. At that time I quickly ran out to see what he was doing and I discovered torn bits of paper stuck to the road with little red stains holding them in place like glue. As he ran back to safety I saw the paper bag move a little bit. I heard a ‘meow’ over the roar of traffic. Then a car drove by and ran over the bag. Only part of it was hit but it was enough. It ripped open the bag and half a kitten lay there struggle with its last bits of energy. I went back to my car and waited for the tow truck. It finally arrived and I got some gas to get my car going. As I got into my car I looked across the road and saw the young man was gone. I started my car and drove off to a gas station to fill up my tank.

A few days later I was driving north and out of the corner of my eye I saw the young man again standing alongside the road. Not the exact spot but close enough. He was again holding small paper bags. I found an exit and quickly took it. I then went down the freeway in the direction so I would be on his side. I was able to dodge a paper bag and after a hundred feet or so I pulled to the side of the road. Opened my trunk and pulled out my baseball bat. Calmly walked up the road trying to keep out of sight of the young man. IT was easily enough to do as he was concentrating on the little bags of joy he was leaving in the road. Also the oncoming traffic while he tried finding a hole so he could run out again and drop off a bag. I was able to sneak up behind him and delivered a blow with my bat. Dragging his crumpled body to my car as quick as I could I also grabbed the remaining paper bag. When I got to my car I tied him up and threw him in the trunk. Down the road I drove for a few minutes pondering what I should do. While I drove I stopped at a gas station and I noticed a cardboard box in the trash. I quickly grabbed it and broke it down. Sticking it in my backseat I drove home waiting for night to fall.

I got home about half a hour later and gave the kitten some bits of hotdog and milk. I grabbed some packaging tape and went back to my car once it was dark. I opened my truck and noticed my new friend has woken up. Speaking no words I hit him with my bat to the face and told him to be quiet. Closing the trunk I drove back to that place in the freeway. I pulled over to the side and quickly setup my cardboard box. I pulled his sorry ass out of my car and hit him again with the bat to make sure he would not struggle. I placed him in the box and taped it shut then positioned it in the middle of the road under an overpass and right after a turn. I got in my car and looped back so I could stand on the overpass. Standing there feeling that justice is served I was cars drive below me. The little cars dodged the box. I heard the sound of a truck horn as it was trying to get swerve away from the box. It missed it but I knew it was a matter of time before something happened. I walked back to my car and as I get in I hear the squealing of tires and a loud thump as something hit’s the box. My nice surprise. I ponder the joke that would be applied in his case as Karma finally caught up to him.

Earlier today I remember reading the hardy boys mystery books. Funny how a simple little book could still be remembered with good clarity even after almost 8 years of reading it. A simple little mystery book to provoke thought. It seems throughout the years I have been sampling fewer and fewer of those books that provoke thought. A few gems exist in my memory and they shine brightly but there are a few dimmer ones that I remember nothing more than the title. Perhaps I could compare reading a book like a flame. The fire burning bright while I read it and shining my way towards higher thought or even better understanding of things around me through improving upon my intellect. Slowly as the years go by the flame dims due to either shortage of fuel or perhaps the ashes filling the air block it so it doesn’t seem as bright as before. Why are there not more bright books in my memory troubles me? Have I been avoiding these books? Has my selection of books turned more towards nothing about reality? Have I been seeking escape in a fantasy world where my brain goes on vacation? Or have I simply not looked hard enough. Many books I have read many times perhaps its that which is clouding my memory. Perhaps it’s even pointless to wonder. So many questions run through my mind as I hold an old hardy boy’s book feeling the warmth and fond memories of it come up from within the cover. Don’t even have to open the book to remember the mystery with the stuttering bird in it. Will I ever write such a book myself sharing with others my words and imagination or will my flame flicker and die out silently in a gentle breeze.

Exercise in fictional abstraction

It’s all a facade. The words haunt me deeply. To imagine that this is all fake. What could possible possess someone to whisper those words to me before they gave their last breath? Then I imagine what do they mean by its all? Do they perhaps mean my entire friendship with them? Perhaps they were discussing the past relationships. Could it even be a word from beyond the grave? Was she trying to tell me that life and reality is all fake? It’s all a facade. The defining words for my existence. So many masks sit in my closet. So many lies hide my true existence. Perhaps those were words of warning for me to change my ways.

exercise in fictional perspective

I don’t want to be here. Neither does my car. Turn the key to turn off the car and it responds with exactly how I feel. It struggles and tries to keep going. Neither of us want to be here but we are here. I fondle my keys gently pondering if I should even bother getting out. I could start up the car and just drive and forget what happened. I could so a long of things but I know regret and the fear of it will drag me inside. I might as well get this over with. Pulling myself out of the car takes up more energy than it should. I close the door with a promise to come back and head inside the coffee shop.

A sharp pain in my side keeps my mind awake. It is hard to sleep when a fear of something serious drifts though your mind. I lay there pondering what bad thing could have happened that would cause this pain in my side. Sharp stabs that run through when I take a deep breath. So I figured I would write. I originally pondered a last will and testament just incase I died in my sleep. As I stood there pondering what I wanted my last words to be I had to laugh at myself. I sat there pondering what I wished to write. Did I want to write something that I would be remembered for or did I wish to write truths unspeakable except in the most private moments? So I figured I would watch the movie I had been planning on watching before I realized the pain. So with much humor my last movie would be Single’s. So no will and testament. No last words to the world. If this was lethal and I was to pass then I will leave a great mystery. Will it be one that will puzzle and make people ponder or will it be something people will see then quickly forget? So I scribble down some words and wishes pondering the reasoning behind it. Perhaps someday I will create a decent

Its snowing outside... or it was earlier. I always loved snow. Just not in the mood for it tonight.

Cold spring nights, dreary rain outside
Tapping on my roof, this is my resolution
From the pain I’m looking to hide
it’s pouring on my soul, this is my dissolution

This is my attempt at retribution
Against those who have hurt me
This is a personal revolution
The source of my pain is myself

A jihad that rages in surfeit
Destroying the things I cherish
Neither side willing to forfeit
My humanity destined to perish

This is a portable confessional
Waiting for the equation to figure
Each moment has been progressional
Up to the point of pulling the trigger

Again I try to write something to finish this storyline. I took a step and tried to expand on it further. Ultimate goal is a movie script. Immediate goal is to work on dialogue and try to make it seem more natural and fluid. So here it is.

8. Contacting some old friends. Seeking answers and comfort.

Grass field filtering out the wind. Waves upon waves for this ocean of greenery. Green, yellows, and browns mixed together until they reach the horizon. Then a mixture of greens and blues as it meets with the sky. A palette for an artist who loves blue and green. Among this field there is a lone red car. The engine is idling and the trunk is open. A young man sitting and holding a guitar while fiddling with the strings. A large speaker sitting on the ground next to him. A few random notes blow through the ocean creating little ripples of its own. A young man lost within his own dream. The guitar lost in its own fantasy as it is brought to life under this man’s fingers. A few minutes pass by as he keeps pulling and pulling from the instrument. Pulling strings to spring forth his reality. Pulling at the strings to pull his emotion from inside and bring it forth and give it life. Failing to achieve either he winds it down and then stops. Looking over to the horizon pondering the events of the day. Then he noticed he had an audience. A young lady standing watching. Waiting for him to finish knowing to interrupt the moment he may never catch again. Setting the guitar down in the trunk he looked over to her.

‘I did not expect to see you around here.’

‘I did not expect it either. You used to love playing here. Why you come back?’

‘Lots of things I loved I left in this town. Figured I would reclaim one while I was down.’

‘You have a habit of leaving things you love behind. You expecting to not come back after this is over?’

‘I never expect to come back. Now that there is little left I will grab what I can salvage and bury this town in my memories.’

‘You always were melodramatic. Don’t you remember your theory? Can you deny that it exists?’

‘I remember it. I also remember lots of other things….’

‘Were you going to call and tell me you were down?’

‘I thought about it but did not wish to talk to Scott so I was not going to bother.’

‘So you were just going to pack up your things and leave forever.’

‘No… I just did not think about how to… I was going to… I just do not wish a confrontation at this time. Enough shit has gone down that an argument with him is not something I have time for.’

Amanda quickly ran up and hugged him. Holding onto him as if he was going to disappear once she let go.

‘I missed you and wish you would at least email me.’

Joel held her for a moment and slowly unwrapped her from him. Standing there looking into her eyes while holding her hands he noticed she lacked a ring on a certain finger.

‘The road of friendship is a road both can travel. Your silence has been your letters to me and my silence has been my response.’

‘Well you always used to call or email me in the past. I thought you were angry or something and did not wish to make you….’

‘Like I said there quite a few things I loved that I left in this town. I only wish I could take them all out with me.’

‘You know that is not possible.’

‘Perhaps then would lunch be possible?’

‘I can do that. Where and when?’

‘I saw there is a new place in town. A buffet place? It looked respectable.’

‘Um no. You should remember at least one thing. Never eat at a buffet place in Sterling.’

‘Then you choose the place and call me. I have my cell on me. As for the time I am not sure. The next few days are going to be busy. I have to get in touch with a few people.’

‘Joel your dad got attacked because he hung out with the wrong people. Your not going to get the group together again?’

‘Na…. I don’t need the group but I do plan on visiting a few old friends to find out what has changed. I need to find out what went down and why.’

‘Joel forget it. Get your stuff and leave. Bury your family and never come back. This town will pull you down…’

Joel turned his back for a moment so he could pickup the guitar.

‘I’ll be fine. Call me when you know of a place and time and we can talk then. I have some thinking to do and playing helps me think. You can watch but please let me enjoy this for a bit longer.’

His speech interrupted by the slam of a car door. The rev of a motor and then the sound slowly drifts off into the distance as his audience disappearing. A minute later the ocean of green and yellow starts up again as the guitar springs to life.

A few more random words as I butcher the english language.


A dark sky hanging gloomily over some trees. A faint glow in some clouds as the moon tries to pierce the midnight shroud covering this land. A lone road of black pavement that twists and wraps around rocks a contrast to the raw forest surrounding it. Trees that have been there for centuries trying to tear apart the road slowly one inch at a time. The silence in the forest complete wrapping up all the land complete with the dark sky above. Off in the distance the perfection broken by a small glow. A roar of a motor growing louder forcing itself to be heard throughout the forest. The glow gets bigger and the motor gets louder while it twists along the road. Animals flee and hide from this monster. A few watch from their hiding place seeking to know what this creature is after. The road takes the glow behind some rocks and for a moment it disappears things return to what it was before like nothing happened. Then it appears out of nowhere bright lights bathing the land in light while the rumble of the motor shaking the ground. For a moment the light gets brighter and brighter while the sound keeps increasing in volume. Then quickly it is gone. Down the road further and it gets taken behind another hill. The darkness reclaims its forest and the monster is gone.

Figured I would try and work on something. So I wrote the same thing twice. Perhaps next time I will cut-N-Paste rather than wasting time on such. I wonder if letters were alive if they would protest my use of them. Would they be angry that I wasted thier ability rather than letting someone else create with them. Would they mock me like my eyes do when I look in the mirror? Perhaps it is best otherwise I would probably write more with a vengance knowing I am killing any future these letters have of being in something decent.


The engine stopped in the middle of its cycle. A foot went down to the ground and a kickstand followed suit. The bike leaned over to the left a bit as someone got off of it. A pulling of the key out of the ignition and customary removal of the helmet reveals a young man with a bit of stubble on his chin. A grim look in his eyes and anger in his steps as he starts walking towards the door. Determination filling his hands along with the keys as he puts it into the door and unlocks it. Anger and restraint as he opens the door slowly and closes it behind him with it already locked. The door snaps shut and a light flicks on. The helmet soon abandoned on a hook along with a leather jacket. Steps echoing through the hallway until they reach a kitchen. Another light and a door opening as a hungry figure peers into the ice box seeking something to sate his hunger. Sadly nothing there to sate his anger. Reaching in and grabbing some old chicken and a beer he makes a plate appear out of nowhere and into the microwave it goes. Set for a minute he pops the top off the beer and wanders around the dinning room and presses a button. The answering lights up and repeats the callings of lost souls seeking him. A ding from the kitchen and he goes back to grab his food. Footsteps echoing through the hallway again on into the living room. A groaning chair as he sits down and ponders the nights events.


The roaring engine stops in silent protest. The lack of gas to it leaving it desiring much more. The bike leans over to the left and a foot stomps on the ground following a kickstand. The groan of the bike as the figure lifted himself off of it. The quick snap of the helmet as he pulled it off of his head. The look of a young man with a few days of growth on his chin looking down at his bike. Pulling the keys out of the ignition he places them in his pocket and heads up to the door. Pulling the keys out quickly and jabbing the correct one into the key hole he unlocks the door and enters. A swift turn and push the door shuts quickly locking behind him. A hook on the wall jabbed into the helmet and a jacket that quickly followed. The footsteps echoing down the hallway with urgency to warn everyone of his arrival. A stop in the kitchen and a opening of a door shining light on the young man. A hand jabs in and grabs a bottle then it comes back again to snatch some left over fried chicken. A plate dragged from its resting place and forced onto the counter so some chicken could take up residence on it. Then a microwave door opened and the food gets stuffed into it. A slam of the door and a quick turning of the dial starts up the heating process. The footsteps slowly enter into the dinning room. A finger hitting a button on a answering machine starts the playback of messages left for him. No movement until after the first message. Then quick steps into the kitchen as he tries to escape the sound of lost souls calling for him from the little mechanical box. The ding of the microwave and the chicken is pulled out. Then to the living room as the footsteps again echo forward warning of his impending arrival. A chair groans as he plants himself in it and leans back in the darkness.

So of late i have been staying out too late. Been avoiding my keyboard. Avoiding the mood aquire when I put on my headphones and face myself. A wise man once said,' Once the party is over and everyone is gone your left alone to deal with your demons.' So I have been trying to avoid facing those. Instead I give you something I wrote a while ago. Perhaps next time I will be stronger and will sit and face that which haunts my soul.


Alone
He was standing there. The top of a hill looking down. Across the plains he could see miles in every direction. He remembered coming back to this cliff when he was younger. The hours he spent here alone pondering his future and sometimes dreaming of the future. This cliff represented to him the possibilities that lay before him. This cliff was where he wanted to be married. Now this cliff will be his grave. How did it come to this. How did he end up alone again. He gently closed his eyes to ponder the last few days events. Where did he go wrong. Sadly the cliff that had provided him answers in the past did not have any now. It must have started two days ago. The memories flood his mind. He welcomes them knowing it will make what he is going to do a lot easier if he was lost in the past.
Two days ago
It was a cold metal chair. The rain had not touched it yet. The umbrella above it kept out the rain. It did not keep out the cold. Not that it was chilly out. For some reason today his body emitted cold. Everything felt cold today. The chair. The door. Even the bowl of soup he was about to eat. Sense of feeling any warmth was gone. Earlier today when he woke up to a knock at the door he had met his friend Sarah at the door. She had come over looking disheveled at a extremely early hour. She entered quickly and dropped her coat to the floor. Seeing Clint standing there so quietly with concern on his face she quickly hugged him. Holding him in her weary arms letting her tears soak his shoulder. He placed his arms around here and tried to comfort her.
‘Everything will be ok.’
‘No no it wont. I had a dream that I was going to lose you. You have been a friend to me for so long,’
‘Tell you what. Go home get a bit more sleep and we can go out for coffee. There is much I wish to talk about.’
‘There is something I need to tell you now Clint. Something of….’
From behind Clint there is a open door leading to his room. Standing at the door half dressed in a flimsy nightgown is a beautiful woman. This woman looks at Sarah with anger for waking her and Clint up at this hour.
‘What do you need to tell Clint, Sarah?’
Clint looked back and slowly detached himself from Sarah’s arms.
‘Sarah this is Stephanie. She is a friend who stopped over for the evening. Her and her boyfriend broke up’
Sarah looking at both of them with hurt filling her eye. She appears to not remember what she was going to say. The anger starts to fill her up. If she was a tea kettle you could see the steam starting to blow out her ears.
Sarah turned around quickly and ran for the door. Not bothering to pickup her coat. She ran as fast as she could out to her car. Once inside there she reached in her pocket for her keys. Then she realized the keys were still inside her coat. She gets out of her car and starts to cross the street to go back to the apartment.
Clint still in shock stood looking at Stephanie.
‘Why didn’t you stay in the room?’
‘I wanted to see what the noise was about.’
‘I don’t think she realized I was sleeping on the couch.’
‘You better go explain to her Clint otherwise you may lose her.’
Clint quickly ran towards the door. As he nears he can hear some tires squealing as someone tries to apply their brakes. A sickening thud then sounds as if a slab of meat hit a wall. Clint runs out with even greater urgency. The rain makes things hard to see. He almost trips at someone on his doorstep. Looking down he realizes it is Sarah. Broken and bloody she lays there face down. Clint turns his head back towards his apartment.
‘Stephanie call 911!’
He kneels down and puts a hand on Sarah’s shoulder.
‘Sarah can you hear me. Don’t try to move we are getting help.’
Clint gently tries to roll her over to prop her head up some. Her eyes are closed. Her breathing is shallow. There is only a tiny bit of blood but there appears to be something jutting out of her side. It didn’t break the skin. Clint realizes it is probably a rib. Sarah gives a weak cough that sounds more like a reflex than her actually breathing. Clint looks at her lips and there blue with cold with a spot of red on them. He opens her mouth to help her breath and sees it is full with blood.
All he remembers from that point is lots of flashing lights. A numb ride in a police car as they head to the hospital. The blue of the police officer’s uniform as he sat near him. The white of the sheets on the tables. The little gray nametag of the nurse who brought him coffee. The white paper and black text of the forms. Then the silver of a cellular phone on the doctor. The pale face of Sarah’s mom when they were informed she was dead. The shiny steel on the doors as he was being led out. The yellow of the cab giving him a ride home. The pale blue of the sky that stopped raining.
When he got back to his apartment he noticed Sarah’s coat laying there. Still where she had dropped it. The rain long dried off of it. He slowly bends down to pick it up. As he lifts it up to fold it a piece of paper falls out. It appears to be a letter. He bends down and grabs it. As he stands up he unfolds it so he can start reading it.
Dear Clint.
I wrote this letter in case I wasn’t brave enough to tell you in person.
You have been a wonderful friend over the years. I cannot tell you
how much I have enjoyed your company. Over the past few weeks
I have come to realize how much I truly care about you. I don’t know
your feelings for me but I would like to find out. Over the past few
days I have realized that I love you. I wish to spend the rest of my
life with you and not regretting we didn’t take this friendship to
the level of caring and love that it could easily reach. So if I did
chicken out and wasn’t able to tell you in person please meet me
for tea at our favorite little café. There we can talk about it more.
Know though that you will always hold a place in my heart.
With love Sarah.
He read it twice for accuracy. He tried reading it again a third time but wet spots of water started falling onto the paper. As he stood there staring at it until the tears overcame him and the print became unreadable.
If only he would have had Stephanie go to another friends house. If only he would have ran out faster. If only he would have not answered the door. If only he would have told her that he loved her earlier. So many ifs. Now he lost his chance and she lost her life.
A few hours later there he is. Sitting for tea at a little café. The rain started back up. This time it came down as if the world was morning her death. The tea and soup he couldn’t taste. The cup of tea sitting across from him stood there untouched. Going cold. Sarah’s coat hanging on the chair.
The past few days events he realized have come up to this point. Clint stood there looking over the plains. He had a note already written down at his house. He even took a cab as far as he could so he wouldn’t leave his car parked out in the middle of nowhere. He knew this was it. He had played it over in his mind so many times in the past few hours. His direction was chosen. Closer to the edge he inched forward. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath he bent his legs slowly.
‘Love does not die’
Taking a step back Clint quickly looked around. He had definitely heard the voice but couldn’t see where it came from. The meaning of it he pondered. Love does not die. What does that mean. Still he could not find the person who spoke the words. Quickly he thought about the meaning behind them. Of course love dies.
Realization came about slowly. Then he saw. Love does not die. It either gets dim or it gets brighter. Either way like a light filling a room it does not truly die. The flame may go out but it will still sit there waiting again to be relit. The person had died but the love can still live in him.
With a smile on his face and calm in his thoughts. Clint turned away from the cliff. He started walking back towards town. Though it was a few miles back he figured it would give him time to think. Sarah may be gone but he can still go on loving her.

So in my effort to try and finish something for once I took a section of a story outline and filled it out with a bit more information. I started out with this....

4. Horrible wake up call. - Young man (Joel ) gets call from brother that his mother has been murdered. Also hears his father is in hospital after a attack.

And here is what I ended up with. It is not much but hey it is 30 minutes of work. I can always polish it up a bit more later down the line.





A small dark room with posters hanging on the walls. A computer desk with two monitors and the humm of a fan inside the case blowing. A few random lights as various electronic objects cast a ominous glow. A bed off to the side with a young man sleeping. Looks to be in mid twenties with long blonde hair. In his mind dancing lights and images that none except he can see. Dreaming peacefully after a hard day of work and promises of a better tomorrow to lift his hopes up. Next to his bed a small wooden stand with slight warping where a water has been left to sit too long. On that stand balancing on three feet is a little phone. Plugged into the wall it is almost prescient. It knew when the call was coming before it started. This time it knew a call was coming so it started its ringing.

Ring, ring! Ring, RING! RING, RING!
A hand detaches from under the blanket and inches towards the ringing phone. It grasps the top part and pulls it from the bottom and withdraws its captured prey into the blanket. A muffled voice is heard under the blanket.

“Hello?” The muffled voice comes out from under the pile of blanket and warmth.

“Joel it is Ben.”

“Ben its late why…”

“Joel something has happened. Mom has been shot and Dad has been attacked. We need you to come down here now.”

“What! Are you joking? Man it is fucking 2 in the morn…”

“Joel this is not a joke. I am calling from the hospital now. Come down we need you.”

“Your serious. Alright. I will be there in a hour and half.”

“Don’t speed Joel. This whole thing smells of pigs. If they out for revenge no need to give them a excuse.”

“No worries man. See you in a hour and half.”

“Joel man I don’t want……”

The phone gets placed back on the receiver. The arm goes back into the blanket and a muffled sob is heard. A moment later a man pulls himself from the bed and heads into the shower. The running of water is cut short as he exits and gets dressed. Standing there in front of the mirror carefully strapping a pistol in a shoulder holster. Pulling tight his belt and then lacing up his shoes. Reaching over to grab a small backpack and throw some clothes inside of it. Along with a box of ammo and a extra clip. A knife and small shaving kit soon join the mix. A reach over to his desk and he grabs his wallet and keys. Quickly opening the wallet to make sure he had some spending cash before he places it into his back pocket. He grabs his coat and heads out of the house giving the door a twist to make sure it is locked. Reaching inside his coat pocket pulling out a wireless phone. A quick call into the work automated system to notify them a death in the family and his absence for a few days. He gets into his little red sports car and starts up the motor. It is now 2:15 and he has 108 miles to travel. Mostly flat land and prairie. The car starts up upset at its slumber being interrupted. Soon it warms up as the motor revs a few times. Loud music shakes the windows as it pulls out of its parking spot and heads out to the dark night.